Anela Il Cuore
by ipreferwestside
Summary: A post-Always AU in which a single phone call changes Castle's life. But not everything is what it seems. COMPLETE.
1. Prologue

**REPOST TO FIX TYPOS I DIDN'T NOTICE BECAUSE THEY WERE MAKING ME MAD.**

 _Disclaimer: They're not mine. I just play with them. Please don't sue. You'll get nothing. Credit to homeofthenutty-dot-com for the screencap I used as the picture, and the castlefanficprompts tumblr for the inspiration (posted at the end). Also, some dialogue is from the show. Any similarities to fics past or present is completely unintentional._

* * *

 **ANELA IL CUORE  
PROLOGUE  
**

* * *

"No, Alexis, I'll be fine. I've got a thousand cable channels, I got my Xbox. You have fun. I will not worry about you until lunchtime tomorrow."

"Okay. I love you, Dad."

Castle smiled at his daughter's worry on the other end of the phone. "I love you too." He draped Alexis's tassel over a lampshade, stared wistfully for a few moments. His baby girl, growing up. He couldn't be more proud of her. And her speech, eloquent without being pompous, thorough but not long-winded. Maybe she had a future as a writer.

And she was even worried about her old man. Castle hadn't told her any details about his fight with Beckett the night before; all she and his mother knew was that it was bad and he was done.

Still, the whole thing left a bad taste in his mouth, and despite the pride and joy he felt for his daughter, he couldn't undo the knot in his stomach. He'd hated walking away from her, angry and deflated. But she'd made her priorities clear. Kate had made her metaphoric bed, but it didn't mean he had to watch her lay in it.

He'd done the right thing. He thought.

Castle stepped into his office and grabbed the remote for his smart TV. Beckett's face filled the screen and he tapped it, revealing his own virtual murder board about her shooting and her mother's death. He stared for a few moments, then lifted his hand, intending to delete it forever.

The shrill ring of his phone broke through his thoughts before he could drag the folder to the trash can. He thought about ignoring it. He'd declined at least a dozen calls from the precinct and Ryan, but this time he glanced at it first. His eyebrows furrowed at the name on his screen; he hovered briefly over the decline button before moving over to accept the call.

"Castle."

"Mr. Castle, this is Captain Gates."

"How can I help you?"

"It's Detective Beckett. There's been an accident."

* * *

Castle burst into the lobby of Bellevue Hospital and past the nurse's station, stopping only to ask where he'd find the waiting room Gates had mentioned. He found it just minutes after arriving, but to Castle it felt like hours since he'd taken Gates's call.

The first person he saw was Esposito, his arms around Lanie, face stoic but eyes rimmed with red. He saw Ryan next; the pale Irishman couldn't hide his emotions so easily. His whole face was red, his eyes puffy.

No. Please, God, no.

"Mr. Castle."

Rick jumped at the hand on his elbow. "How is she?"

Gates tugged his arm to direct him to the chairs that lined the wall. Rick noticed Jim Beckett in one of them, his head resting in his hands.

Castle's stomach sunk. _Shit._

"What happened?"

"You should sit."

Castle jerked his arm from her grasp. "What. Happened."

"There was an accident—"

"You said that."

"Let me finish. She and Detective Esposito were pursuing a suspect. There was a struggle. Esposito was knocked unconscious, Beckett followed the suspect to the roof where there was another struggle. They fought." Gates had to pause, clear her throat.

Castle didn't miss the wetness in the captain's eyes.

"She was thrown off the side of the building. We got there just before she fell. Ryan grabbed her and pulled her up, but her injuries were bad. She had some cracked and broken ribs and internal bleeding. She collapsed almost as soon as she was back on the roof. Paramedics brought her straight here, where they took her into surgery immediately."

Castle shifted his gaze to the other occupants of the room again. Nobody had moved. "Is she out of surgery yet?" But even as the words left his mouth he knew the answer.

Gates only confirmed it.

"Kate didn't make it. She's gone."

* * *

 _A/N: tumblr prompt from castlefanficprompts: "AU Beckett is killed investigating her mother's case. Years later, the boys + Castle solve the case and they visit Beckett's grave."_


	2. Chapter 1

**ANELA IL CUORE  
** **CHAPTER ONE**

 _Without you  
_ _The eyes gaze  
_ _The legs walk  
_ _The lungs breathe  
_ _The mind churns  
_ _The heart yearns  
_ _The tears dry without you  
_ _Life goes on but I'm gone  
_ _'Cause I die without you_

 _Without You – from_ Rent

* * *

 _"Kate didn't make it. She's gone."_

Castle's legs failed him at the words, and he sunk to the floor, brain fuzzy, eyes unfocused. _She's gone._ He felt Gates kneel next to him and put her hand on his shoulder as he felt tears fall.

"I'm so very sorry."

"Kevin!"

Rick looked up at saw Jenny rush in and collide with her husband, cradling his head as he cried in her shoulder. He'd wanted that, once, with Kate…seeing Ryan with Jenny, Esposito with Lanie…the nausea hit Castle like a ton of bricks. He managed to get to the toilet just in time, could do nothing except empty his stomach into the porcelain bowl.

Barely 24 hours ago, he was telling Kate he loved her, again, in a desperate plea to save her life. He should have known better; all she could see was his betrayal, had refused to even acknowledge the reason behind it, and had paid the ultimate price.

And now everyone who cared for her, everyone who loved her, was left behind to suffer.

Castle heaved a few more times until there was nothing left, and wiped his mouth with toilet paper before standing. After rinsing his mouth with water and splashing his face a few times, he caught movement in the corner of his eye.

Jim Beckett wordlessly handed Castle a piece of gum, which Rick accepted with a gracious nod. Jim leaned against the doorframe, hands in his pockets as he watched Castle gather himself.

"I'm sorry."

Castle jumped slightly at the older man's words. _What?_ "No, _I'm_ sorry. I promised I'd keep her safe…I walked away, I failed, and now she's gone…"

"You did what you could." Jim laid a reassuring hand on Castle's forearm. "Kate is – was – one of the most stubborn people I ever knew. It's a trait she got from her mother."

"I just wish-"

"I know." They stood in silence for a few moments, Rick trying and failing to find comforting words.

Jim broke the silence again. "You know she was going to therapy?" At Rick's small nod, he continued. "Originally it was to evaluate her readiness to go back to work, after her shooting. But she went back. She was getting better. For you."

Castle's head shot up, surprised on his face. "For me?" he echoed.

"She was having a hard time reconciling her feelings for you and the case. She didn't want to let her mom down by putting the case away and pursuing those feelings. But she was finally there. She loved you, and she was ready."

One of their last conversations replayed through Rick's head. _You wouldn't want to join me, would you? Actually, I'd love to._ But then he remembered their last, his parting words, the last words he'd ever say to her.

 _This is over. I'm done._

Rick barely made it to the toilet again.

* * *

He stumbled into the loft early the next morning as the sun was just peeking into his windows. He'd left the hospital shortly after his conversation with Jim and headed straight to the Old Haunt, where he'd holed himself in his basement office and drank until he was numb. It wasn't until Brian, the closing manager, forced him into a cab that he finally left.

Castle nearly tripped over his own feet as he made his way towards his bedroom, cursing as he ran into furniture after furniture. He didn't notice the figure on the couch until it spoke

"Richard."

Castle slowly turned his fuzzy head towards the voice, managed to make out the person. "Mother," he slurred.

Martha stood and reached him in a few short strides, pulled him into her embrace. "Jim called me. He didn't think you should be alone. Oh, Richard."

"That's why-" Rick swallowed, tried to get the words around his thick tongue. "You're here?"

Martha cupped her son's face in her hands, and he barely registered her red eyes and nose. She'd been crying too, he realized. "Get some sleep, darling."

* * *

Hours later, Castle was dragged out of sleep by the smell of coffee and the sound of voices in the kitchen. He groaned when he tried to open his eyes; his brain felt like it was going to jump right out of his skull. He heard footsteps, the sound of something being set on the nightstand, felt a hand touch his back.

"Coffee, Richard."

 _Mother._ Castle managed to turn his head to face her, much to its protest, and he saw the aspirin and water alongside the mug. "Thanks," he croaked out.

Martha leaned down and placed a soft kiss on the back of his head. "Come out when you can."

He managed to drag himself to the shower, turned it as hot as he could stand it, and forced himself under the spray. He just stood there, head bowed, lost in the silent sobs that shook his body. She was gone. Really, truly gone.

The only thing he wanted more than to have her alive in his arms was to see her one more time at the hospital. To brush his fingers along her cheek, her jaw. Apologize to her still form, even if she couldn't hear him. But he couldn't. She didn't look the same, they told him. He wouldn't want his last memory of her be of her bruised and battered body. Instead, he would be haunted by the memory of the hurt in her eyes, shimmering with the tears she'd refused to let fall when he'd walked away from her.

Finally the water started to turn cold and he forced himself out, dried off with a towel before throwing on the t-shirt and shorts his mother had laid out for him. After brushing his teeth and running a hand through his hair, he went out to the living room.

One look at the occupants of the couch and he knew he wasn't the only one suffering. Alexis was wrapped in his mother's arms, hair a mess, crying like he had been a short time ago. Martha glanced up and saw him, motioned him to the other side of his daughter, and he sat and pulled her into his arms instead.

"Dad." It was barely a whimper, and it broke Rick's heart. Beckett hadn't been Alexis's favorite person recently, knowing that she'd hurt him, but he knew a part of her had always idolized Kate.

"I know, sweetheart." He stroked the back of her head, her hair, trying to be the comforting father. As much as he wanted to curl up in a ball and cry until he couldn't feel anymore, he couldn't do that right now. He locked eyes with his mother over Alexis's head, and was rewarded with a sad smile and a knowing nod. "I know."

* * *

The next few days passed by in a blur. Rick holed himself in his room, emerging only when his mother or Alexis forced him to. He felt empty, like a part of him was missing that he didn't even know existed.

Every time his phone rang he had a flicker of hope that it would be her face on the screen, that she wasn't really gone.

But then Jim came by and asked Rick to speak at the funeral and Jim was wearing his watch, the one he'd given Kate after five years sober, and he couldn't deny it anymore. His worst nightmare had come true.

Kate was gone. Really, truly, gone.

The next Saturday, one week to the day after his life stopped, Rick was standing next to the casket, helping carry it to the grave. She was being buried next to her mother; he'd wanted to cry when Jim told him that, but after the first couple of days, no more tears would come. Rick was simply cried out.

The day was warm, Kate's friends and family bathed in sunlight, a cruel coincidence that even eternal optimist Rick didn't like. It should be dark and raining, and cold. Because he'd never feel warm again.

Rick stepped up to the podium, unfolded the paper from his pocket. "I met—" His voice cracked. He cleared his throat, started again.

"I met Kate four years ago, and that day, my life became extraordinary. She helped me be a better father, a better son, a better man. She was a mystery, one that I hoped to solve. Kate was extraordinary. Always putting others' needs in front of her own. She was smart, tenacious, sensitive, remarkable." His eyes flickered to her portrait a few feet to his right. "I loved her. I always will. Always."

* * *

Ryan and Esposito came over the next day and forced Castle out of bed. After a shower, Castle met them in the dining room, noticed the papers spread across the table. Castle grabbed a plate, loaded it up with some leftover spaghetti, and started eating it cold.

"What's this?"

Ryan scooted his chair over, making room for Castle. "It's the case. Well, cases. All the ones we think are connected. Beckett's mom, the break-in at Montgomery's, even—" He froze, Beckett's name on the tip of his tongue. "You know."

"Yeah." Rick sat between them. "I know. Why?"

Esposito looked at him, his expression blank. "We need to solve it. For her."

Castle tried to ignore the pain deep in his stomach, the pang of heartbreak when he saw Kate's picture. He focused instead on the file in front of Esposito, and he reached for it. "Is this the file on the break-in?"

Espo nodded and pushed it closer so Castle could see it too. "We figured out what he was after: this picture. We've been trying to figure out who this is for a week, but we have nothing."

Castle snatched the picture out of Esposito's hand. "I know this guy." It all came out, then: his deal with Smith, the deal that ultimately meant nothing when Kate unearthed the case again. When he mentioned that Smith had called him just the week prior, Ryan jumped out of his seat.

"I'll try to trace the call. You guys try to figure out who this is. I'll call you when I have something."

Ryan called an hour and a half later. Castle and Esposito had narrowed it down to a list of lawyers involved in a big tobacco suit in the early 1980s, and when Ryan mentioned the call being routed through the Wi-Fi network of a Connecticut yacht club, they got the man's name. Michael Smith.

Part of Rick was disappointed in Smith's lack of creativity with his alias. A man named Smith, using Smith? But they found his address, a house in Connecticut, and just over an hour later the three of them were pulling into the driveway, headlights switched off.

Ryan and Esposito led the way, guns drawn, Castle trailing a few steps behind them. Ryan had lifted his hand to test the doorknob but as soon as he touched it the door opened of its own volition. The boys shared a look that Castle immediately recognized as twin "holy shits."

He stood just inside the door as the boys quickly swept the house. Rick was practically jumping out of his skin by the time they met up with him again in the front entrance. "Well?"

"Clear." Esposito motioned to the living room behind him. "But there's blood on the carpet."

Castle was making his way to the chair sitting next to the blood pool when something in the fireplace caught his eye. He changed direction and plucked the familiar-looking strip of paper from the ashes. _Oh God._ He'd recognize that insignia anywhere. "Guys."

Ryan and Esposito both turned to look at him and they both froze. Ryan spoke up first. "Is that-"

"The file. It's gone."

* * *

 **A/N: Thank you to the readers who pointed out publicly and privately I didn't put a character death warning. Apologies to those it may have affected. Thank you to those who are reading it! I promise it won't only be sad. Just for awhile. :)**


	3. Chapter 2

_A/N: Borrowed a bit of dialogue from the show. Despite this, they're still not mine._

* * *

 **ANELA IL CUORE  
** **CHAPTER TWO**

* * *

 _Castle was making his way to the chair sitting next to the blood pool when something in the fireplace caught his eye. He changed direction and plucked the familiar-looking strip of paper from the ashes. Oh God. He'd recognize that insignia anywhere. "Guys."_

 _Ryan and Esposito both turned to look at him and they both froze. Ryan spoke up first. "Is that-"_

 _"The file. It's gone."_

Ryan and Esposito snapped into action immediately. They were both on their phones, leaving Castle to attempt to salvage anything from the fireplace.

It was useless. The file was gone, the only thing remaining the half dollar-sized portion of the folder itself that had the partial NYPD logo.

"He's alive, at the hospital. Injuries consistent with being beaten and tortured." Esposito pulled out his keys. "Castle and I will go talk to him. You see if there's anything else here."

"Got it."

Fifteen minutes later Rick and Esposito were walking up to Smith's room. The man inside looked frail, nothing like the person Castle had seen in the parking garage. That man had been mysterious and intimidating. This one was buried under a sea of tubes and wires.

"I said no visitors," a voice rasped from the bed.

Castle opened his mouth to speak, but before any words came out he caught a glimpse of the paper on the table next to the bed. The _New York Times_ was open to the Local section, and Rick grabbed it without thinking.

"Slain detective laid to rest. Author speaks at funeral of his muse."

 _Call me your muse again, and I'll break both your legs. Okay?_

"Where's the second file?" Rick's voice was low, almost a growl that he barely recognized.

"It doesn't matter."

"Like hell it doesn't." He shoved the newspaper in front of Smith's face. "She's dead. You said you'd keep her safe and she's dead. I need to know who will pay."

Smith finally turned his head towards Castle, his expression blank. "She's dead because she investigated. It doesn't matter who's behind it. If I tell you, I'm dead, and you're dead. It's over. He won."

"Who's 'he?!'" Castle practically shouted the last question. He let Esposito push him outside and he took a few deep lungfuls of fresh air. "Shit."

"I know, bro."

"We can't let whoever it is get away with this. Kate, her mom…"

Esposito nodded. "I'll go back in. Give it a shot." Before he could even move back towards the door, though, his phone rang. He gave it a quick glance before answering. "You got anything?"

Back at Smith's house, Ryan stared at the papers he'd fanned out on a table. "I think I found what we need. You guys get anywhere with Smith?"

"No, he's not talking. We're on our way back."

Rick and Esposito mirrored Ryan's expression when they'd reconvened. Ryan had found a file cabinet filled primarily with bank statements and random paperwork, but in front of them lay the deeds and trusts to various properties and possessions. A trailer, boat, two cars, a condo, an office building, and the house they were standing in.

Rick's mind was spinning. Esposito had admitted his doubt that Smith had even made a second file. But Rick insisted that Smith was too smart not to. And his hunch was that the other file was in one of those locations.

"Did you search the whole house?"

Ryan threw Espo a look. "Of course I searched the whole house. No secret rooms, wall safes, or loose floor boards."

Rick piped up. "He wouldn't keep it here anyway. Too obvious and dangerous." He pushed aside the papers for the boat and trailer. Too risky; something could happen to them too easily. He ignored the cars as well. So that left the office building and the condo.

"It has to be the condo," Ryan insisted. "It's his only, completely private."

"No." Rick picked up the paperwork on the office building. "Here."

"Why?"

He pointed to the address in the heading. "It's in the city. He physically came to see me. He wouldn't want to bring the file with him to our meet, so he would have kept the copy close. It's here. The file is here."

* * *

An hour later the boys were back in the city, parked down the street from the building. They all knew it was a gamble: if they were wrong, they would be stuck.

So Castle and Ryan found themselves traipsing through construction tools and debris while Esposito kept watch downstairs, searching for anything that told them which suite had belonged to Smith.

It was Ryan that spotted the upended mailboxes, with "M. Smith" on one of the labels. 523. That was it.

The telltale _click_ of a hammer being cocked froze them in place.

"Don't even think about it, Detective," the cold, smooth voice warned when Ryan's hand twitched over his gun. Maddox took Ryan's gun and tucked it back into his own waistband, took Ryan's set of keys from his coat pocket. "Now turn around, hands behind your back."

Castle felt zip ties tighten around his wrist. "So you convinced Smith to tell you where the file was."

"He told me it was hidden in a floor safe but he didn't tell me exactly where." Maddox nudged them both, a gun at each of their backs, pushed them into an adjoining bathroom. "Good thing you guys cleared that up." He winked. "See you soon."

As soon as they heard the lock click into place, Ryan and Castle searched desperately for something, anything to free them from their zip ties.

"Do you have a knife, anything like that?"

Ryan shook his head. "No, I got nothing. Can you move your hands at all?"

Castle strained, tried relaxing and twisting his wrists like he'd always been told, but the ties were too tight and he grunted. "No. Don't they teach you how to get out of shit like this at the academy?"

"Very funny." Ryan kicked the wall in frustration. "Dammit!"

They both froze when they heard the approaching footsteps. "He's coming back," Castle offered lamely.

Ryan gave him a look. "No shit." He and Castle both faced the door, tensed, an unspoken agreement to fight their way out of this if they had the chance. The outside lock clicked and the door opened…

"What the hell happened to you two?"

Ryan sighed in relief at the sight of his partner. "About time, Javi. Get us out of here, will you?"

Esposito cut the ties off both their wrists and they quietly made their way to suite 523. "Maddox was parked down the block so I followed him in. I had to wait until he was out of earshot to get you."

Ryan stopped his partner with a hand on his shoulder as they approached their destination. "Hey Espo, 523's around the corner. You got an extra piece?"

Esposito nodded, silently handed Ryan the gun at his ankle.

Castle couldn't help himself. "Nice. What about for me?"

"Oh, you mean an extra, extra piece?" Espo shot back.

Ryan entered the suite first, their steps silent as they stepped towards Maddox. He was crouched in the middle of the gutted room, just opening the safe. Ryan waited until Maddox had removed his safecracking headphones before he spoke.

"Don't move. Don't even breathe." He tensed when he saw Maddox reach for his belt. "Reach for it and I'll blow your head off."

"Okay, Detective. You're in charge."

"Now slowly reach down and hand me the file."

Castle took a half step forward when Maddox lifted the file, and barely heard the click and rapid beeping. He reached for the detectives to pull them back, but Ryan and Esposito were already pushing him out the door and to the side when the safe blew.

Esposito grimaced when they went back in the room and saw what was left of Maddox. "He's gone."

Castle noticed charred bits of paper floating down around them like confetti and grabbed one. "What – the file." His eyes widened in realization. "Guys, the file."

* * *

A few hours later, after all three of them had given their statements to Captain Gates and Castle had been sent home, Castle was nursing a scotch in his study when there was a knock on the door. He opened it to find Ryan and Esposito, the former holding an evidence bag.

"We went back to the scene and got what we could." Ryan lifted the bag to show Castle the contents.

Castle allowed a small, hopeful smile. "Nice."

They spread out on the dining room table, tweezers in hand, extra lamps on the table to provide more light. It was like a jigsaw puzzle with half the pieces missing and the other half damaged so badly it was nearly impossible to put any together. But they didn't necessarily need something complete. They just needed _something._ A name, a place, a date. Anything that would tell them what was in the file and why someone was so desperate to keep it hidden.

Hours of relative silence passed before Esposito slid his chair back in frustration. "Five hours and all I got is something the size of a playing card. Not only that, it's blank."

Ryan piped up. "Well, I got 'ending balance' here. I think it's some kind of bank statement."

Ryan's words triggered something in Castle's mind and he looked at the scrap Ryan had. He'd seen something with the same print…"I don't think it's just a bank statement." He found what he was looking for and turned it over, put it next to the piece Ryan had pointed out. Perfect fit.

"This is part of a money order made out to cash. This could be a payoff, and whoever it went to is probably our guy."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we know this all started when Montgomery and his cop buddies started kidnapping mobsters for ransom money. And we know that _someone_ found out and demanded a cut of that money. This money order, this could be it." Castle stared at it, willing the answer to appear. It didn't.

But then Esposito spoke.

"This has numbers on it and it's machine printed. It's an eight-digit string…hold up, I think this is the back of that money order. 08672241. These digits have to be the account number it was deposited into."

"If we figure out whose account this is that should give us a name."

Ryan spoke up. "Hey Javi, remember when we were checking bank accounts for that dirty bomb investigation? We used the Federal Banking database."

Esposito smiled. "Yeah. And I still remember the password."

They migrated into Castle's study and Ryan pulled up the database website on the computer. He hesitated before he moved out of Esposito's way and looked up at Castle. "I don't even know if the records go back that far."

Castle was leaning against the doorframe, trying desperately not to be too hopeful. After all, what were the odds that the password hadn't been changed? But they had to try. For Johanna. For Kate. For him.

"Kate's dead because of this guy," he said, his voice low. "Run it."

A few clicks of the keyboard, and Esposito spoke up. "The account was closed 19 years ago. It belonged to a guy named William H. Bracken."

Castle grabbed the pile of mail he'd let congregate on the corner of his desk and found the political ad he'd gotten the previous day. "You mean Senator William Bracken?"

* * *

 _A/N: I know, this chapter is pretty much a tweaked 5x01 without Beckett, but a person's gotta do what a person's gotta do, and I didn't want to drag the Bracken thing out. As always, your reads, reviews, follows, and favorites encourage me and make me smile and I thank each and every one of you. Thank you!_


	4. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER THREE**

* * *

Castle fell asleep at The Old Haunt that night. He and the boys had gone there for a drink to decompress, but when Ryan and Esposito had a couple of beers and left, Rick moved down to his office and raided his private collection.

They had a name. The man responsible for Johanna Beckett's murder. For Kate's. They knew who he was and they couldn't do a damn thing.

Rick dreamt of Kate, like he had almost every night since she'd died. He dreamt that she fell off the roof, but instead of Maddox standing above her like usual, tonight it was Bracken's smug face and he laughed when Kate fell. But his face morphed into Rick's mid-laugh, and his dream self laughed even harder as Kate flailed, tried to reach for something, anything to break her fall.

He woke with a start right before she hit the ground. He immediately ran to his private bathroom and crouched next to the toilet until the wave of nausea passed.

It was still early, he knew; he heard the rumble of a garbage truck on the street above him. Rick needed to get home. His mother and Alexis were leaving that morning, at his insistence. They'd both tried to stay, but he'd put his best game face on and said that no, he'd be fine. Europe would be a better way to spend the summer than watching him mope around the house. Besides, they'd already delayed the trip once for Kate's funeral.

Rick brushed his teeth and splashed water over his face before leaving, and got a very large coffee on his way home. He walked through his door in time to help carry their suitcases downstairs, and rode with them to the airport.

Martha pulled him aside when Alexis was checking her bag. "You didn't come home last night," she stated, her voice laced with concern rather than accusation. It broke her heart to leave him when he was so broken, so vulnerable; he may have been in his 40s, but she would always want to be there for her boy, to comfort him, wish his pain away.

"I'm fine, Mother. I'll be fine. You'll have a good time." Rick tried to be convincing; from the look in her eye, his mother wasn't having any of it.

Martha stared at him for a few moments, then reached up to cup his cheek gently. "Promise me you won't mope around the loft all summer?"

Rick gave her a small smile. "I promise. I'll mope around the Hamptons for awhile too."

"Richard." She pulled him into a tight hug, one that Alexis joined too when she was done at the counter.

More hugs and kisses were exchanged before the ladies entered the security line, then waves when they were through and disappearing out of sight. Rick sighed and walked back out to the line of taxis and took one back home.

* * *

He kept his promise not to mope for a couple hours, only because he climbed into bed as soon as he walked in the door. He woke to the muffled sound of his phone ringing somewhere in the pile of his clothes that he'd dropped at the side of his bed. It stopped before he even moved, and he drifted off again.

He woke again around noon, thanks to his growling stomach. It seemed to sense when he started drifting back to sleep and growled even louder; with a feeling he could only describe as apathy, Rick realized he hadn't eaten since The Old Haunt the night before. Even then, he'd only had a couple bites of his burger before he was done.

Rick tripped over his pile of clothes and swore when his toe came in contact with something hard. Right. His phone.

He squinted at the screen, the sun glaring through his windows and straight into his brain. Twelve missed calls, a few texts, and two voice mails. He read the texts first. The first was from Alexis. _Boarding. Will call when we land. Gram says eat something. I love you._

The others were from his friends, checking in. Ryan, Esposito, even Lanie. He barely gave the missed calls any thought; they were mostly from Ryan and Esposito anyway.

The first voice mail was from Gina; as soon as he heard her voice he clenched his free fist. If she was getting on him already for his next chapter, so help him…but he relaxed when she spoke.

"Hey, Rick, it's me. Listen, I heard about Detective Beckett. Kate. I know how you felt about her, how you feel, and I'm so very sorry. You take all the time you need. I mean it. Um, I'll talk to you soon. Take care of yourself, okay?"

Rick pressed his fist against his forehead as he sunk to his mattress. He'd almost forgotten that Kate…well, he'd never forget, but the pain had just started to dull. He erased Gina's message and went to the next.

"Rick, it's Jim Beckett. Give me a call back when you can. Maybe we can get lunch, or coffee. Talk to you soon."

Jim had just called about an hour before. Rick was in no shape to try and meet him for lunch, but he called back and left a message of his own, suggested coffee later that afternoon.

* * *

"Rick."

"Jim. How are you holding up?"

Jim gave Rick the once over, noted his mussed appearance. Rick's shirt was wrinkled and eyes bloodshot; he looked like he had just rolled out of bed. "Better than you, apparently. Please don't take this the wrong way, but you look awful."

Rick rubbed a hand over his face as they sat, coffee in hand. "I _feel_ awful," he confessed. "How are you doing it, Jim? How are you coping?"

Jim sighed. "It's hard. The first couple days I wanted a drink so badly I could taste it. Instead I called my sponsor, and I've gone to a few meetings. Katie wouldn't want me to go back to how it was with Johanna…" His voice trailed off as he stared into his mug. "Anyway. I'm dealing."

"I have to leave," Rick blurted out, surprising himself as well as the other man. The thought hadn't even crossed his mind until he was saying it. "Everything reminds me of her. Every siren, every car on the street. I can barely stand even being at home."

 _I feel like Alfred in the Batcave for the first time._

"For how long?"

"I don't know. My mother and Alexis are in Europe for a few weeks."

Jim nodded. "Before you go, can you do something for me?"

"Sure."

"I need to pack up Katie's apartment but I can't do it alone. I could really use some help." Jim gave Rick a look that he instantly recognized; Kate may have physically resembled her mother, but the devastated look on Jim's face was the same one she'd worn when Rick had first confessed he'd looked at her mother's case file.

But in that look was something else: pleading. All of a sudden he realized that he and Jim had something in common: their all-consuming love for Kate. A different kind of love, sure, but they were both mourning deeply.

As Jim moved his hand, Rick noticed the sun glint off his wrist and his breath caught in his throat. Jim was still wearing his watch. The one he'd given Kate. The one she'd worn every day. And in that moment, Rick knew that Kate wouldn't want him to spiral like he was. In fact, she'd probably be downright pissed at him.

As much as he'd love to see Kate again, he didn't want her haunting him while pissed off. So maybe helping her father pack up her belongings would help him cope, help him put her in a box the way she'd put her mother's murder in one.

"Of course."

* * *

Lanie was at the apartment as well when Rick got there the next the morning. She gave him a long, tight hug before setting him to work in Kate's living room. Rick stared at Kate's full bookshelves for a few long moments before grabbing an empty box, and the wide variety of reading material had him falling in love with her even more. She'd had his books, of course, but he'd known that; after all, he'd replaced most of her collection for her after her previous apartment had blown up.

He'd just finished packing up her books (with Jim's blessing, he was going to take most of them home and decide what to do with them later) when he heard Lanie call his name from the bedroom.

"What is it?" he asked, and froze when he caught Lanie's eye.

She'd been emptying out Kate's closet and had opened a box simply labeled "personal." In it were several leather-bound journals, and by the redness of Lanie's eyes she'd glanced through at least one.

Lanie blew her nose, added the used tissue to the growing pile at the end of the bed. "I wasn't going to look, but then I saw what they were packed with and I thought they might be related…" Her voice trailed off as Rick moved closer and looked at the rest of the contents.

They were his books. Every single one, including the very dog-eared copy of _Heat Rises_ that he'd given her.

"You should take these." Lanie held the journal towards him.

Rick shook his head and he took a step back. "No, they're her personal thoughts. I don't want them. I wouldn't be able to stop myself from reading them and that would be too much. They're too private."

"Rick." Lanie stood and forced him to take it. "Every single one of these is full. And most of it is about you."

"Me? Are you sure?"

"I only glanced through them, but yeah, your name is everywhere."

Rick opened the first page of the journal Lanie had handed him.

 _May 29, 2010_

 _I was so close to telling him. I ended it with Tom; he was nice, I really liked him, but not enough. You shouldn't lie to someone you're with just to get out of a weekend with them. And then Castle…God, I was almost there, almost said I'd go, then dammit Gina showed up._

 _And apparently they're together again. Shit._

Rick had to close it; he couldn't read this here, now. Not when Jim was out in the kitchen, or when Lanie was watching him. But if Kate had kept her feelings close to her chest when she was alive, maybe this way he could finally know what they were.

He packed the journals back into the box that held his books. "Thanks, Lanie. I think I will take these."

* * *

Lanie had to leave about an hour later; she'd taken the day off, but Perlmutter had come down with the flu so she had to go into work. That left Rick and Jim working side by side in the living room, both avoiding the cabinet against the far wall, the cabinet that contained the box they both knew had led them all here.

Finally, Jim broke the silence. "We can't put it off any longer."

Rick sighed. "You're right." He opened the cabinet, pulled out the box inside. He and Jim sat on the couch and opened it. Inside was Johanna's case, all the evidence Kate had compiled and worked for years. Photos, notes, all of Kate's work reduced to some pieces of paper. "I don't know what to do with this," he confessed.

"I don't want it," Jim said almost immediately, fixed a steely gaze on Rick. "I cannot have this in my house."

Without another word, Rick stood and put it on top of his pile by the door. He was taking a fair amount of Kate's belongings home; mostly her books, save a few that Jim had wanted to keep. Rick just didn't want to let anything go.

"I talked to Esposito last night," Jim said from the couch while Rick's gaze lingered on the box. "He said you guys solved it, that you know who was behind everything."

Rick nodded. "Yeah. We do. But we don't have any real proof. The only evidence we have would be torn apart in a second." His voice was steely; he could feel his anger just under his skin. He'd decided that being helpless might be worse than not knowing. Because he could live with the unknown. But knowing the bastard's name and that he was untouchable was slow, unmitigated torture.

Jim stood and joined Rick by the door. "I know you want revenge, Rick. I do too. But this case killed my daughter. You have a mother and daughter who love you immensely and who need you." He placed a reassuring hand on Castle's back. "Please don't let it consume your life. Don't sink into it like Katie did. She wouldn't want it to dictate your life too."

"But—"

"Go home, Rick. Whether it's your home here or in the Hamptons or wherever, go home. I'll have your things delivered to your loft. Just promise me you'll go home."

* * *

 _A/N: Again, thank you for the response to this story. To the guest that reviewed the last chapter saying that there's not much of a story to tell, I'd love to discuss. Was it that it wouldn't be worth telling the Bracken part of the story? Or the story in general? I'd like to know what you meant, maybe you could sign in and give me a shout?_

 _Thank you to all! Next chapter should be posted at some point next week; I'm running out of pre-written chapters and I'm stuck on one so I may have to drag it out at some point. :) But thank you!_


	5. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER FOUR**

* * *

Rick kept his promise to Jim and went straight home. He didn't even stop for food despite knowing his fridge was empty, opting instead to call for takeout. He'd taken the box with the journals; he wasn't sure if, or when, he would read them, but he felt good about having them. It felt like Kate was with him, like he had the chance to finally learn about those parts of her that she'd kept hidden.

Until the past couple of years, when she'd finally started relaxing around him, and started to reveal more of the woman below the tough detective.

When he got home he poured himself a scotch, reconsidered when he saw the box that he'd set just inside the door, and poured it out. No more scotch for awhile, he decided.

Several hours later, Rick gave up on trying to sleep, and went to get a glass of water from the kitchen. As he set his empty glass in the sink, he froze when the box by the door caught his eye.

No time like the present.

He carried it into his office and hauled out the journals, checking the dates of the first entries, laying them in order. There was one journal before the one he'd half-read earlier, so he settled in his leather chair and opened it, focused on the neat handwriting he'd become so familiar with.

* * *

 _March 12, 2009_

 _So. Richard Castle. Playboy extraordinaire. Civilian ride-along for the foreseeable future. Apparently I'm the inspiration for his next character. Me. Ha! I'm trying, really trying, not to be flattered. I mean, the guy's a freaking adolescent. He acted like the whole thing is a game. And he expects me to be OKAY with him stalking me for research? Smug bastard._

 _Well. At least he's nice to look at._

 _I am NEVER telling him that he's my favorite author. Or what his books got me through._

* * *

Rick ran a hand over his face as he closed the journal. He had been a bit of an ass when they'd first met, but he couldn't help it: he'd liked her from the start. And although it had only been three years ago, he'd been a completely different person then.

Kate had been too.

Her favorite author, huh? What his books got her through?

He refilled his water in the kitchen before retreating back to the study. He needed to read more.

* * *

 _April 2, 2009_

 _Nikki Heat. Nikki freaking Heat. He really went with the stripper name. Titles notwithstanding, the man needs to cool it with the puns._

 _Ha! Cool it._

 _The boys are NEVER going to let me live this down. Please God let there be only one book._

Rick couldn't help but smile at that entry. She really had hated the name, but it grew on her. And she'd even teased him when he'd shared a few of his title ideas the previous year.

* * *

 _April 10, 2009_

 _I told him about Mom. I have no idea why. Maybe I didn't want him guessing anymore, or making up stories about me. Well, I mean, he is, because of the book. But taking the bare bones of my life and making up the substance is one thing. Trying to guess what my "tragic backstory" is? That's another. So, now he knows._

 _Then he had the audacity to ask me if I'd ever looked into it. Really? No, it never even crossed my mind. What the hell did he think?_

 _I went to his place though. Holy crap. It's like four of mine put together and about a hundred times nicer. But I went because I was stuck on the case. I didn't even plan on it, I just went for a walk to take a break from staring at the murder board and ended up at his building._

 _And he was actually helpful and only made one inappropriate comment._

* * *

 _April 20, 2009_

 _The arrogant bastard got me a dress. Jeez. I don't know if I should be flattered or creeped out that he figured out my size just my staring at me. And it was a perfect fit too. Definitely a little weird._

 _Lanie, of course, thinks it's romantic. Whatever._

 _I can't lie, though, he looked pretty damn hot in a tux. And I did have a little fun._

 _Just a little._

* * *

 _May 14, 2009_

 _That bastard. The one thing I asked him not to do and he did it._

 _I don't ever want to see him again._

* * *

"I'm sorry."

Rick stood in front of her headstone, the first time he'd been to the cemetery in the two weeks since the funeral. He'd always thought people talking to graves was romantic, at least how it was portrayed in the movies. Not anymore. He felt silly and self-conscious and more than a little dumb.

But he'd spent the past few days reading and rereading her first journal, and there were things he needed to get off of his chest. He'd been so self-absorbed over the first few months of their partnership, and while he'd apologized to her more than once for digging into her mother's murder against her wishes, it didn't feel like enough.

"I'm sorry that I ignored you. I'm sorry that I reopened that wound of your mom's case. I'm sorry that it led us here. You're dead and it's my damn fault."

He ran his fingers over her name, neatly engraved in stone. "I love you, Kate. I always loved you. I always will."

* * *

 _October 20, 2009_

 _I should be relieved that he got the other offer. It would mean no more following me around, no more breathing down my neck and pulling my pigtails. No more wild, crazy theories or stupid comments. Work would be normal again._

 _Unless I want him around?_

* * *

 _October 21, 2009_

 _THREE MORE BOOKS?!_

 _I don't care what he says, I know he had something to do with this._

 _So help me, I'm going to kill him._

* * *

Rick left for the Hamptons the next day. He left the journals at home; the city was full of reminders of Kate, and he was determined to keep his Hamptons house as Kate-free as he could.

He spoke briefly to Gina on the way up. He'd prepared himself for a fight, but she was generous, and insisted that the book could be on hold indefinitely.

When he got to his house he went to work opening the doors and windows to air it out from being shut up for most of the winter before unpacking his car. His suitcase and iPad went to his bedroom, his laptop in his office.

After picking up his traditional first-night-in-the-Hamptons pizza, he started unpacking, left his suitcase for last.

At the bottom of his suitcase was the one belonging of Kate's that he let himself bring: her copy of _Heat Wave._

Rick had a hunch that Kate had enjoyed the book more than she let on, if the well-worn edges were any indication.

 _What if I told you my date was with your book?_ Really? _No. God, you're easy._

He mindlessly flipped through the pages, closed his eyes as he inhaled the scent of the paper, along with the faint smell of cherries, which rose from the book. He opened his eyes when he felt something flutter against his foot. Rick's breath hitched in his throat when he picked up the photo that had been tucked somewhere in the pages of the book.

Rick didn't even know the picture existed.

It was a picture of the two of them dancing at Kevin and Jenny's wedding, a moment in time he remembered as vividly as if it had just happened.

* * *

 _The happy newlyweds were long gone, most of the guests as well, but a few still remained. Rick stood by the bar, watching Kate and Lanie in the middle of an animated conversation. Kate's arms were crossed in a defensive posture, and even from a distance, and in dim light, he could see the fire in her eyes._

 _Nikki Heat, in the flesh._

 _Lanie, on the other hand, looked about ready to shake Kate by the shoulders; her hands were flailing, and Rick chuckled to himself when she finally threw her arms up in the air and walked away, back towards Esposito._

 _"Here you go, Mr. Castle. Shall I add them to your tab?"_

 _Rick turned and took the drinks, nodded at the bartender. "Yes, please. Go ahead and close it. I'll sign on my way out." He eyed Kate as he headed in her direction; her arms were still crossed, but she'd sat back down. Safe to approach, he surmised._

 _"Hey." He placed the drink on the table and sat in the chair next to her, angled it so he was facing her. "Everything okay?"_

 _Kate sighed and took a sip of the martini. "Yeah, just Lanie being Lanie. Thanks for the drink." She'd been having a good time, just pleasantly buzzed enough that she was loose and extra relaxed, but not even close to doing something she may regret later. And Lanie had noticed how close Kate had sat to Rick at the ceremony, how she didn't flinch when her hand brushed against his, or how she'd laughed when he dragged her out on the dance floor when they played "Macarena."_

 _So of course Lanie had taken advantage of the few minutes she and Kate were alone, and pointed out that there was no time like the present to make a move on the author. And of course Kate had resisted. She wanted to be with him; she'd known for awhile that Rick was her one and done, but she also knew that she wasn't anywhere close to ready for a relationship. And she didn't want to risk what they had for one night of passion. Not now._

 _Besides, the waning hour of the wedding reception of one of her closest friends wasn't the time for serious girl talk. Kate had ended their conversation with a hissed "We'll talk about this later" and Lanie had walked away in a huff._

 _Rick's ears perked up when the song changed to a slow jazz number. He stood and held his hand out for Kate. "Dance with me."_

 _Kate smiled despite herself and laced her fingers through his, following him onto the dance floor. She'd taken her heels off shortly before the "Macarena" dance, and she let herself relax in his arms, her head on his chest. A perfect fit._

 _Rick rested his hands low on her waist, his pinkies at the very top of her hips. "Beautiful wedding," he said quietly._

 _Kate closed her eyes. "Jenny looked amazing."_

 _"_ You _look amazing."_

 _Kate felt her breath hitch in her chest. She lifted her head just as he shifted his to look at her, and suddenly she found herself lost in his eyes, their faces inches from each other. She couldn't stop her gaze from flickering to his mouth and back to his eyes. "Castle…"_

 _Rick reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could say anything the lights flickered on and the music stopped, breaking the spell they'd found themselves under._

 _Kate took a step back and rubbed her suddenly sweaty palms on her dress. She had to get away from here, away from Rick. Despite her earlier words to Lanie, she was dangerously close to cracking. She made her way back to their table and pulled her phone from her purse, wincing when she saw the time. "It's late. I should get home."_

 _Rick grabbed his coat. "Hold on a sec, I'll walk you out." He paused at the bar to sign his receipt, adding a generous tip. He followed Kate outside and draped his coat around her shoulders when he saw her shiver. "It's too far for you to walk, Kate. Let me call you a car."_

 _"It's fine, Castle. I'll get a cab." Kate looked up and down the deserted street. "Or I'll walk a bit until I find a cab. You should get home."_

 _Rick was already dialing his car service. "Too late. Car's on the way." They didn't have to wait long, but waited in a comfortable silence._

 _He opened the door for Kate and she paused before sliding in. "Um, do you want to share?" Kate asked in a small voice, looking up at him through her lashes._

 _Rick swallowed. As tempted as he was, as much as he wanted to spend every waking (and non-waking) moment with her, he didn't want to push her too far. He had a feeling that if he got in the same car as her, it would be making just one stop. And he heard just enough hesitation in her voice to know that this wasn't the right time for them. "No, I have another on the way. You get home, get some sleep. Text me when you're in?"_

 _"Will do." Kate hesitated for a brief moment before leaning forward and smudging a light kiss at the corner of his mouth. She smiled at the look of surprise on his face when she pulled away. "I had a really good time, Rick. Thank you."_

 _Rick smiled. "Good night, Kate."_

* * *

The photographer had captured the fleeting moment before the lights came up, when they were gazing in each others' eyes, standing so close he could still feel her heart beating against his.

Rick turned the picture over and smiled sadly at the writing on the back. "Kate, Kevin and I thought you'd want this. You may think we're all full of it, but this is how you look at each other all the time. Love, Jenny."

He went into his office closet where he knew he had some empty picture frames; luckily he had one the right size, and took the now-framed picture to his bedroom. It found a home on his nightstand.

* * *

 _A/N: Before anyone gets too technical, I put the dates of Kate's journal entries around the air dates of the episodes they correspond with. I know it's not necessarily going to be "accurate," but hopefully it helps guide you with where the show is, and therefore where Caskett is in their relationship._

 _And, as always, thank you for the support/reviews/follows/favorites/tweets/etc. :)_


	6. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER FIVE**

* * *

 **SIX WEEKS LATER**

"I'll get it to you first thing, Gina. Look, I just got home. I gotta go."

Castle clicked off his phone and set it on the kitchen island, kicking the door shut behind him. He'd stayed in the Hamptons for a week longer than he'd intended, almost six full weeks, but he'd finished the manuscript. And when he'd typed the last words on the page, he knew it was the last Nikki Heat he'd ever write.

It was just too painful.

He didn't kill Nikki like he had Derrick Storm; no, Nikki deserved more than that. Kate deserved more than that. So he'd solved the murder of Nikki's mother, and sent her and Rook off into the sunset. He'd send the draft to Gina in the morning; tonight, he was going to read.

* * *

 _May 29, 2010_

 _I was so close to telling him. I ended it with Tom; he was nice, I really liked him, but not enough. You shouldn't lie to someone you're with just to get out of a weekend with them. And then Castle…God, I was almost there, almost said I'd go, then dammit Gina showed up._

 _And apparently they're together again. Shit._

 _I really thought he liked me. God, I sound like a schoolgirl with a crush on the popular kid. Not to mention it was so humiliating to turn around and see everyone freaking staring at me, see their faces change from curiosity to pity._

 _And now he's gone for the summer. Allegedly going to write. With Gina there? Yeah, right._

* * *

Castle still hated himself for leaving that summer, for running with his tail between his legs like he had. Sure, he'd been with Gina for a few months after they'd come back, but after the first couple of weeks of trying to get Beckett out of his mind it had become boring.

And he'd only brought Gina to the Hamptons because he thought Kate was still with Demming.

What had he done? He'd wasted so much time being jealous and petty.

* * *

 _October 29, 2010_

 _I almost lost him today. Thank God Martha called, thank God we knew where he and Ryan went. And thank God Tyson decided to let him live, even if Castle is convinced that it was to torture him. I don't even care why. I'm just glad he's okay._

 _He was tied up by a serial killer who tricked us into releasing him from jail, and he's alive. The thought of losing him…I don't think I could live with myself._

* * *

 _January 25, 2011_

 _He kissed me last night. Sure, we were "undercover," trying to save Ryan and Espo. But that doesn't change the fact that he kissed me and I kissed him back and he was right, it was amazing. I didn't want it to stop. And after we saved the boys, the way he looked at me in the ambulance… I'm falling for him. I think I've been falling for him for a long time._

* * *

 _May 6, 2011_

 _He followed me to L.A. this week. First I can't stop thinking about that kiss a few months back, not to mention that whole almost freezing to death in each other's arms thing, and then I almost messed up. I was so close to following him into his bedroom._

 _But the one thing I am not is a cheater. I may think about Castle, but I'm with Josh. I'd never betray him like that._

 _I have to end it with Josh. I did like him. At first he was a distraction, I enjoyed spending time with him, but not anymore. He's not Castle. When I'm with Castle…I feel like a lovesick teenager. All the songs make sense._

 _Shit._

 _I love him._

* * *

"Dad!"

"Alexis!" Rick couldn't help but smile when his daughter ran into his arms at the airport, his mother smiling at their reunion. She waited until Alexis uncoiled herself from his arms and pulled him into a tight hug.

"Welcome home, Mother," Rick said when they parted, and grabbed the handles of both their suitcases to wheel them out to the waiting town car. They piled into the backseat, him in the middle, his arms around the two ladies. "Tell me all about your trip."

Alexis studied her dad, concern etched around her features as she took in the tired look on his face, the lines etched on his forehead. "We need to hear about you, Dad. You're not sleeping, are you?"

Rick raised an eyebrow. "I spent the past month and a half writing."

"Dad."

"Richard."

"Seriously, guys, I'm fine." He shrugged. "Managing. I'm getting there. Writing helped a little. But I'm serious about your trip. My life is just boring and depressing. I want to hear all about yours."

Alexis chattered most of the ride home, only stopping occasionally to let Martha interject her contributions to the stories. Rick was glad he'd made them go; it sounded like a magical time, and he wouldn't have been any fun to be around, anyway. Sitting around moping and writing was definitely not a group activity.

He was definitely glad to have them home, though. He'd only been home for a week, but the loft was way too quiet, and he wasn't going back to the Twelfth, so he couldn't even distract himself with cases.

It wasn't until several hours later, when Alexis and Martha went to bed to sleep off some of the jet lag, that Rick allowed himself to let his mind wander back to Kate. She was always there, right at the edge of his conscious, refusing to let him forget about her completely, as if he ever could. He'd had to buy new sheets for the guest room, had even gotten rid of the mug she'd gravitated towards when she'd stayed there two years prior.

It didn't help. Then again, he was still reading the journals…he knew he was fooling himself by trying to rid the loft of her memories.

* * *

Rick was still awake when Alexis wandered downstairs around 5am. He had gone to bed around midnight, tried to sleep, but he saw her every time he closed his eyes. She wasn't always falling, like his nightmares right after she'd died. Since he'd finished _Frozen Heat_ he saw her as she was before their final fight: smiling, agreeing to a maybe-date that never came. And sometimes he dreamed of that date, of how it could have gone. Kate had alluded to her metaphoric wall at the end of the zombie case, and he'd convinced himself that her agreeing to that movie night maybe-date was her saying she was ready.

And then the case had turned and he'd fucked up and walked away.

Rick was sitting on the recliner in his office, reading over the manuscript edits he'd been sent, when Alexis wandered in.

"You're up already?" she asked through a yawn. She took note of his clothes, unchanged from the previous day. "Or still up?"

"Still up." Rick stood and pulled his daughter into a hug. "Work."

Alexis leaned back and gave him a look. "I thought you finished the book?"

"Edits. I couldn't sleep, so I decided to get a little done." He walked them out to the kitchen and turned on the espresso machine. He may as well consider the day started. "Coffee? Or cocoa?"

Alexis yawned again and couldn't hold back her embarrassed grin. "Coffee please."

She studied her dad as he went about making them coffee. He moved slowly, which one could attribute to him staying up all night. But Alexis knew better: his shoulders were hunched, and even on his most exhausting days he still had a pep in his step. She hadn't seen that pep since—

Well, since before Detective Beckett had kicked him out of the precinct. Or since he left, however it happened. He hadn't told her the details of their fight, and she hadn't asked. She just knew that he'd said "we're done" when he got home that night, and that was that.

"Dad?"

Rick spared a glance as he steamed the milk. "Yeah, pumpkin?"

Alexis fiddled with the corner of a napkin. "What happened with Detective Beckett?"

"We had a fight, and—"

"No, before that. I'm talking about before. Things seemed good for awhile, then they were weird for a few weeks before – well, you know."

"Before she died."

"Yeah."

Rick was silent while he decided just how much of his heartbreak he wanted to share with his 18-year-old daughter. He'd always been honest with Alexis how he felt about Kate, had vocalized his frustrations over what he thought was unrequited love. And Alexis knew that Kate had heard the declaration, that she remembered her shooting. But he hadn't had the energy to tell her the rest.

He finally spoke when he set their coffees down and sat next to her.

"You know the case, that last one we worked on?"

"The kid in the alley?"

"Yeah. Turns out it was connected with her shooting. The guy that shot the kid was the same guy that shot Kate last year."

"Oh my God."

Rick took a sip of his coffee. "So she started looking into her shooting again, and she couldn't, because then they'd go after her again. So I went over, the night before your graduation, to try and stop her. I told her everything, Lex. That I loved her, that I knew she knew that, that I'd hidden evidence from her to stop her investigation. She didn't take it well and I stormed out." He sighed. "And that was the last time I saw her."

Alexis pulled her father into a tight hug. "I'm sorry, Dad. I'm really, really sorry."

Rick let himself relax in his daughter's embrace for a few moments. "Thanks, sweetie."

"We should have stayed home. You shouldn't have been alone."

"No." He pushed her shoulders, looked in her eyes. "No, I wasn't about to ruin your summer. Besides, I was fine. I went to the Hamptons. Finished the book, basically. It'll be sent to publishing soon." He led Alexis to the couch, where she curled up next to him. "Writing was actually very therapeutic. I think it helped me heal, a lot."

"Good. You deserve to be happy, Dad."

Rick smiled. "Thanks, sweetie."

He knew it was a lie. He wasn't healed, not at all. And he didn't know if he'd ever truly be happy again.

* * *

 _June 10, 2011_

 _He told me he loved me._

 _It's fuzzy, the whole thing, and drifts in and out of my memory. I remember the cemetery, and talking, then it's really inconsistent._

 _Except for one thing. One thing is very, very clear._

 _Castle loves me._

 _I told him I didn't remember, which is partly true. I didn't remember right then. It came back later that night, believe it or not when Josh was with me._

 _And apparently I said Castle's name during one of my nightmares. Needless to say, that was it with us._

 _Castle loves me. Holy shit, he loves me. I mean, he hasn't exactly been subtle about having feelings for me, but to hear him actually say it?_

 _And I love him too. But I am so not in a place for a relationship right now. I have my own shit to deal with._

* * *

"Hey, Lanie."

Lanie yelped and jumped, almost dropping her tea in the process. Her eyes quickly adjusted to the harsh light of the morgue and she glared at the person in the corner. "Castle, what are you doing here? How did you get in here?"

Castle pushed off the wall and moved to sit at Lanie's desk. "L.T. let me in. I brought you tea." He nodded towards the cup on the desk as he slouched in her chair. "I need some professional help."

"Professional?" Lanie raised an eyebrow. "You do know I'm a medical examiner, right? I work with dead bodies. Focus on the dead. You need that kind of help, you got bigger problems."

"I know." Rick sighed and ran his hand over his face. "I can't stop thinking about her, Lanie. I see her everywhere. I can't sleep. I can't walk down the street without imagining her walking next to me. I hear a siren and think of her. I don't know what to do."

Lanie noticed then how haggard he looked. He looked worn and tired. She's only seen him a couple of times in the three weeks since he'd returned from the Hamptons, but he looked worse every time. "I thought finishing the book would have helped."

"It did, at first. Being gone helped for a little while. But as soon as I finished I had to come back. I couldn't be there anymore, thought I needed the distraction of the city. But Jesus, Lanie, she's everywhere."

"Do you still have her journals?"

Castle nodded. "Yeah, I've been reading them off and on. Trying to make them last, you know?" He held his hand up when Lanie opened her mouth to respond. "I know, it seems hypocritical. I'm complaining about her haunting me when I'm literally reading her innermost thoughts. The problem is, when I'm not reading her journals, I can't turn it off. It's almost suffocating."

While Castle was talking, Lanie had pulled Perlmutter's chair over so she was sitting in front of him. She grasped both of his hands in hers. "Have you thought about seeing someone? A therapist?"

Rick met her concerned eyes with his tear-filled ones. "You think that would help?"

Lanie nodded. "Yeah, I do. It helped Kate. She had a hard time after her shooting, struggled with putting away her mom's case. She'd had to do a mandatory psych eval before coming back to work, but after her first case back she went back to the same guy."

"She told me she'd been seeing one a couple weeks before she…" Rick's voice trailed off. He still couldn't bring himself to say that word. Died. It was just so final.

"I know the guy she was seeing. He's good. And maybe him knowing Kate will help you." Lanie rummaged around her top desk drawer for his business card. "Ah, here we go. Dr. Burke."

Castle took the offered card and tucked it in his wallet. "Thanks, Lanie." He cleared his throat and stood, but almost immediately sat back down. "How are you?"

Lanie gave Castle a small smile. "I'm hanging in there. I miss her every damn day. If I could I'd smack her. But I'm managing."

"With Espo's help?"

"Castle!" Lanie smacked his arm but couldn't stop the smirk that came over her face "We may be helping each other cope, yes."

Rick stood and pulled Lanie into a hug. "Good. I'm glad." He gave her a kiss on the cheek when he pulled back. "Thanks, Lanie. For everything."

"Anytime."

* * *

"Mr. Castle."

"Dr. Burke." Rick took the man's offered hand and gave it a firm shake. "I'd say it's a pleasure, but…"

Dr. Burke led Castle into his office. "I understand. Feel free to sit where you'd like."

Rick took a look around the psychiatrist's room. It was a large space, bright with natural light coming in from the large wall of windows. Two arm chairs sat in the middle of the room, facing each other, and what he assumed was Burke's desk was against the wall. It reminded him a little of Kate's apartment: sparsely furnished, yet comfortable.

"So, what do we do? How do we start this thing?" Rick asked as he sat in a chair.

Dr. Burke sat across from him and leaned his elbows on the sides, fingers laced. "I deal with a lot of ambiguity, Mr. Castle. Usually the reason my patients come to see me isn't why they think they're here. For example, someone may begin therapy to help with social anxiety, and we uncover that the source of that anxiety was that they weren't invited to a birthday party when they were six. And sometimes it's more straightforward than that. Sometimes a person is afraid to fall in love because their heart was broken. My job is to help my patients find the answers to they're searching for, however long it takes."

"Hmm." Castle studied the doctor for a few moments. He looked familiar; he'd been Kate's therapist, sure, but Castle knew he'd never met the man when she was alive. Even on their best days, Kate would only open up one small layer at a time. There was no way she would have introduced him to her shrink. But there was something about him…

"You were at her funeral," Castle finally blurted out. At Dr. Burke's raised eyebrows, Castle cleared his throat, embarrassed. "Sorry, I didn't mean to just say that. I just, I saw you at Kate's – Detective Beckett's – funeral."

Dr. Burke gave a small nod. "Yes, she was my patient. Now, I don't usually disclose that, even after patient death. But she made her feelings for you very clear near the end, and I highly doubt that you two spoke at length before she passed away."

"No, she didn't. In fact, she – we – fought. That was our last conversation. A fight." Castle ran a hand through his hair. "Jesus, what the hell did I do? If I'd just stayed, if I hadn't walked out, she'd still be here. She'd still be alive."

"Why do you think that?"

"I could have stopped her. She would have listened to me. I could have convinced her not to go after her shooter, to drop it, that it was too dangerous."

"Do you really think she would have listened?"

"Of course."

"Rick." Burke leaned forward, rested his elbows on his knees. "Tell me about your argument, the night before she died. You mentioned her shooter. Did you argue about that?"

Rick sighed. "Yeah."

"Tell me about it."

"We'd caught a case, a kid had gotten shot. We traced it back to Montgomery, he was her captain, it was at his funeral that Kate got shot. He knew who had her mother killed, and he'd sent that information to an old friend of his to use as leverage to keep Kate safe. The deal was, as long as she didn't look into her mother's murder anymore, they wouldn't go after her. Smith, the guy with the file, got ahold of me and looped me in on the deal. My part of it was to keep Kate away from the case, so I did. But then it resurfaced. The kid, the last case we worked, was shot by the same guy who tried to kill Kate. And when she found that out, well, you can probably figure out how she reacted."

"She dove into it headfirst."

"Yeah. So I tried to convince her to stop. I went to her apartment, where I told her the whole thing. About Smith, the file, my part in it. And all she could see was that I'd kept vital information from her about the most important case of her life." Rick shifted his gaze to look out the window. "I loved her. I did it to keep her safe, because I loved her. I still do. But I told her that and she didn't care." He looked back at Burke. "And she's gone, but dammit I can't stop thinking about her. It's been almost three months, and I see her everywhere."

"How so?"

"The other night I fell asleep watching TV, and when I woke up _Forbidden Planet_ was on." At Burke's look of confusion, Castle explained. "About a year and a half ago I'd had a fight with Alexis, my daughter, and to cheer me up, Kate took me to a showing of it. So it's on the TV, and I hadn't thought about her for most of the day. But even after I shut the TV off and went to bed, I dreamed about her, about that night we went to see it. So it's little things like that, that are driving me crazy."

"I see." Dr. Burke folded his fingers underneath his chin. "So tell me, Rick. What do you want from these sessions? Do you want to forget her? To be able to date other women, to move on? Or do you want to be able to live your daily life, always aware of her impact on you, but not letting her memory run it?"

"That. That's what I want. Look, Dr. Burke, I'll always love her. There will always be a part of me that will mourn for what I couldn't have. But I can't keep living with a ghost. It's not fair to my family, my friends, to me. Can you help?"

"Yes, I can."

* * *

 _A/N: I probably sound like a broken record, but thank you for the support! This has kind of become a pet project of mine and I hope you all keep reading. Thank you!_


	7. Chapter 6

_A/N: Thank you for the continued support of this fic! You'll notice I did something different with this chapter, in that I added a little bit of a timeline. It's just to keep it straight, this chapter takes place over a little more time. I hope you enjoy!_

* * *

 **CHAPTER SIX**

* * *

 _September 21, 2011_

 _Wow, I screwed up. Royally. I thought I was doing us both a favor by shutting myself in the cabin and not calling. Apparently not. I don't think I've ever seen Castle that pissed._

 _I did kind of deserve it though. I did tell him I'd call, and I never did._

 _But dammit, if you've been shot by a sniper, literally died, heard your best friend tell you he loved you, and spent every second of consciousness thinking there was a target on your back, you'd do the same thing. Maybe._

 _Either way, it was good to see him, even if he was angry. I Just hope I can make it up to him somehow._

* * *

 _January 14, 2012_

 _I should have listened to Lanie. Dammit, I'm so stupid sometimes. He was there, right there, in his tux and just staring at me. And I wanted to, I really did, I just…_

 _I wanted him to say yes. I should have insisted. Because his "could be" to my "third time's the charm" joke, well, I'm relatively sure he wasn't joking, and he was looking right at me when he said it._

 _I want what Kevin and Jenny have._

 _I want it with Castle._

 _I just want to deserve him first._

* * *

 **MID-AUGUST**

"I didn't want her to be perfect." Rick was pacing circles around his chair, his pent-up frustration with what could have been boiling over into nervous energy. "She didn't need to try to deserve me. _I_ didn't deserve _her._ Why couldn't she see how remarkable she was?"

Dr. Burke simply sat in his chair and followed Rick with his eyes. "We are our own worst critic. When you read over your writing, what do you see? Do you see a bestseller, or do you see every character flaw or plot hole, or a sentence that should have been rewritten?"

Rick paused long enough to shoot Dr. Burke a glare. "That's not fair. Artists are always self-critical."

"That's not a trait exclusive to artists, Rick. _Everybody_ sees themselves more critically than others do. Kate was no exception. Kate was even harder on herself because of her mom. Her mom's case was the catalyst to her becoming a cop. She devoted herself so deeply to her career that she couldn't separate what she did from who she was."

Rick snagged his water bottle on his next pass by the side table and took a swig while he gathered his thoughts. He'd accused her of exactly that once. _You've been chasing this thing so long you're afraid to find out who you are without it._ He'd been right; he should have known, especially when her first instinct was to be defensive.

He sat back down, suddenly exhausted. "After she got shot, she went to her dad's cabin to recover, and I didn't see or hear from her for three months." He glanced at the doctor. "You know that. So when she came back, and I saw her, she told me about this wall that she had. I think she thought that until she could get closure on her mom's case, that she couldn't be with anyone the way she wanted to. She couldn't fully commit herself if it was hanging over her head." He paused. "We both knew she was talking about me. So then before the end, she said the wall was coming down."

"It was." Dr. Burke didn't typically interrupt his clients, but this time he made an exception. "Rick, she was ready. She came to see me when you were shadowing that other detective. And do you know what she said to me?"

Castle met his eyes. "What?"

"I asked her what she wanted. And she said she wanted you away from him. That you shadowing another cop made her feel like she wasn't enough, that you were bored with her."

"No, not bored. Never bored. Just angry." Rick leaned forward, his head in his hands. "Dammit, doc. I failed her. I walked away, and I let her die, and I can't even get justice for her."

"Rick." Dr. Burke leaned forward as well. "You have done everything you can with what you have. The man who killed her is dead. Kate would hate knowing you're still beating yourself up over something you probably wouldn't have been able to stop. She'd be proud of you for getting as far as you did. And she'd want you to accept that, much like she finally did with her mom. Don't let perceived failure prevent you from living your life, Rick."

* * *

 _March 28, 2012_

 _Okay I don't know what the hell happened. But one minute he's saying how he's been thinking about missed opportunities and the next day he's glaring at me like I killed his pet. Did I do something? He was just…distant, right at the end._

 _I don't know. Maybe he was just tired. It was a tough case._

* * *

 _April 6, 2012_

 _Obviously there's more going on than just being tired after the bombing case. He's been ignoring my calls and texts for a week. And then when he does finally answer, it's a quick "ok." And then he shows up at MY CRIME SCENE with that flight attendant and lets her borrow his Ferrari? Something is going on._

 _Dammit, I wish he'd just talk to me._

* * *

 **MID-SEPTEMBER**

Castle sighed as he set the journal down. He'd known the day was coming; he just didn't know it would feel quite this way. But that was it.

Her last entry.

He felt sad, but not as bad as he'd expected. Instead of wanting to curl up in a ball, he just felt…empty.

Since his last session with Dr. Burke, the constant tug of guilt was gone. He'd even been able to move the picture of them at the Ryan wedding; for weeks it had been too hard to look at it, so he'd buried it in his nightstand drawer. But now, it sat nestled between pictures of his mother and daughter, proudly displayed on his dresser.

No more hiding her. He'd wasted enough time feeling remorseful and guilty over something he couldn't change. It was time to stop living in the what-ifs and start living in the right now. He grabbed his keys and coat. Time to get some work done.

"Hey, Mr. Castle, long time no see," Brian greeted him as he walked into the Old Haunt.

Rick hadn't been there in weeks, since before he'd gone to the Hamptons. He raised his hand in greeting while squeezing through the crowd in front of the bar. When he finally made his way to the end, he stepped behind the bar to help out. "Hey, Brian. How's everything?" Castle rolled his sleeves to his elbows and started taking orders.

Brian worked smoothly, and not for the first time, Rick was glad he'd kept the young man on after buying the bar. Ladies flocked in on the weekends, and once Brian had broken his skimming habit, the bar had started raking in profits. The twice-weekly live jazz nights helped keep the old-timey atmosphere that Castle had originally fallen in love with.

"Everything's good, Mr. Castle." They worked in tandem with the other bartender until the line went down and Castle was able to step away.

Castle grabbed his coat off the stool he'd thrown it on. "Come down and chat when you can," he called out, heading down to his office.

Brian came down a few minutes later, just as Castle was reviewing the month's financials. Brian had kept him up to date on the basics while he was away; the bar had proven to be a very lucrative investment. Castle made a mental note to give Brian a nice sized Christmas bonus. He'd really stepped up when asked to take over day-to-day operations.

They spent a couple hours going over numbers and inventory, and by the time they finished, it was almost closing. Castle followed him upstairs to take care of the stragglers. "Head on home, Brian, I'll close it up," he offered when the last patron was out the door.

"You sure? I can stick around for a bit."

Castle started closing out the register. "Yeah, I'm sure. You've done great. I appreciate you stepping up and taking charge these last few months. I can't thank you enough."

Brian ducked into the back and grabbed his coat, stopping to shake Castle's hand on his way out. "Happy to, sir. We all miss Detective Beckett. For what it's worth, I'm glad you're doing better. We've all missed seeing you around."

Castle smiled. "Thanks, Brian. It's good to be here. I'll come by tomorrow." He locked the door behind Brian and took a moment to take in the room in front of him. When he'd been in the Hamptons, he'd flirted with the idea of selling it, lest he be too tempted to drown his sorrows in his own product.

But Kate had loved this place; she'd loved the atmosphere, and she'd come by a few times a week after work, sometimes for a drink, sometimes just to chat with the employees. Sometimes with Castle, sometimes without. She'd bought rounds on more than one occasion, and all the employees had loved seeing her.

His eyes flicked to the corner by the hostess stand. There was a small memorial set up, a picture of Kate surrounded by a few flowers, and notes from some of the regulars and employees she'd befriended.

God, he missed her. Four months almost to the day, and it still hurt. But over time, it had faded from the constant feeling of despair to a dull ache that only flared up once in awhile.

He was finally healing.

* * *

 **MID-OCTOBER**

"Come on, Ricky. My phone's been ringing off the hook. I know you'd said no interviews, no press for this one, but everyone wants to talk to you about it. _Frozen Heat_ is a hit and they want to hear about it from the source."

Castle pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to stave off the headache that was forming. "No, Paula. I said no then, and I'm saying no now."

 _Frozen Heat_ had come out three weeks before, and it was an absolute hit. Copies were flying off the shelves, and he had no idea how many eBooks had been sold, but it had debuted on top of the _New York Times'_ bestsellers list and there were no signs of slowing down. So, naturally, the publisher wanted press so even more would sell.

But he knew that the minute he started talking about the book, the questions about Kate would start. And he didn't know if he could handle that.

Castle threw a pleading look at Gina. "Help me out here, will you?"

Gina sighed. "Look, Rick, Paula has a point. She could be saying it a little nicer, but it's still a point. And the point is, demand for Nikki is higher than ever. Everyone wans to know when the next book's coming out. Now—" She held her hand up when he started to interrupt her. "—we know you're not writing anymore Nikki. Let them hear it from you."

"Gina—"

"I'm not saying do a tour, Rick. But what if you just did a handful of talk shows? Local?" Gina shifted her gaze to Paula. "That's better than nothing, right?"

Paula rolled her eyes. "Jesus, Gina, you're killing me here. Okay, how about four daytime and morning shows and the late night shows. Letterman, Kimmel. You're buds with Kimmel, he'll get you in on short notice."

Rick was shaking his head almost immediately after Paula started talking. "No. I'm not talking about it that much, Paula. I'm better than I was, but I can't do that. One show."

"And Kimmel."

"One show. And they don't ask about Kate or anything about my personal life."

* * *

"This is entertainment reporter Kristina Coterra, here with author Richard Castle. Now Mr. Castle, is it true that _Frozen Heat_ is the last Nikki Heat book?"

Castle shifted subtly in his chair; he knew this question was coming and had prepared himself for it, but it was different hearing it in person. He willed his face not to betray the grief that flooded his emotions. "Yes, that is correct," he said slowly, forcing his voice to stay steady. "I have no immediate plans to continue the series."

Kristina leaned forward in her seat. "Now, a lot of your readers were shocked when you killed off Derrick Storm almost four years ago. Does Nikki meet the same fate?"

Rick forced a smile. "You'll just have to read it, won't you?"

Kristina matched his smile with a dazzling one of her own. "So, Mr. Castle, I know that the inspiration for Nikki passed away about five months ago. How did that affect your writing?"

Castle tried to swallow around the lump that appeared in his throat. Despite his request that there be no questions about Kate, Paula had warned him that she may still be brought up. He managed to suppress the urge to walk out. "It was definitely difficult. Detective Beckett, Kate, was very important to me. But I knew she wouldn't want me to just stop the book, so I finished it for her memory. I gave her the ending I wished for her, the ending she deserved."

"So, what's next?"

"Well, I'm going to take some time off. After that, we'll see."

"I see." She reached towards the table in front of her and picked up a cut-out from the paper. "The _New York Ledger_ named you one of the most eligible bachelors in the city yet again, after a 2 year absence. How does it feel to be back on the list?"

 _Really? This?_ "I don't place a lot of value in being on Page Six anymore." Castle shot a look to Paula, who was standing off stage, looking like she wanted to tackle Kristina right off the stage.

Kristina gave Castle a slow wink. "Well, I've been wanting to ask you for a long time if you would like to have dinner with me."

Out of the corner of his eye, Rick saw Paula in the program director's face; he was relatively sure she'd be yelling at the top of her lungs if they weren't on the set. He turned his attention back to Kristina and made sure he was as firm as possible. "I'm flattered, but I am not interested in seeing anyone at the moment."

Rick had to give the reporter some credit. She barely batted an eye at the rejection, even though he was sure she didn't hear "no" very often. Kristina turned to the camera. "Well, we're out of time. _Frozen Heat,_ the final book in the Nikki Heat series, is in bookstores now. I'm Kristina Coterra, thank you for watching."

With that, he heard the program director yell "We're off!" and he stormed off the stage. Behind him, he heard Paula confront Kristina, heard her say something like "I will fucking ruin you," before he left.

* * *

 **NOVEMBER**

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Castle yawned as he made his way through the living room, hurrying to stop whoever was pounding on the door before they woke up his entire floor. Despite being just 7:30 in the morning, he'd been awake for an hour, and had just dressed when the knocks started.

"About damn time, Ricky," Paula snapped almost as soon as Castle opened the door. She barreled in, setting her purse on the kitchen counter and twirling to face him. "You're not going to believe who I spoke to this morning."

Castle sighed and started the coffee. "Someone on the east coast, I'm assuming?"

"I had a conference call with representatives that want you to pen the next book in a certain series about a certain spy whose latest novel tanked." She held her hand up when Castle spun back around, mouth open to respond. "Did you not learn your lesson last time? DON'T say the name!"

Rick couldn't deny that the urge to write had been strong lately. It had been almost two months since _Frozen Heat_ had come out, and he hadn't written a word since he'd finished it in August. And the last time he'd had an offer, he couldn't bring himself to walk away from Nikki; more accurately, he couldn't walk away from Beckett. But now?

"What's the offer?" he asked after his coffee was done and he had a long sip in his system. "How many books?"

"One to start. They want to see how it goes, if it's successful. After the disaster of the last one, and how you walked away two years ago, they're a bit gun shy at the thought of a multi-book deal. With good reason."

Castle sat at the island. "Yeah, I don't blame them. What are they offering?"

Paula took a moment on her phone before answering. "I just sent you the contract. Look it over and let me know. But Ricky, they're not going to sit on their asses and wait for you to respond. They want your answer within 24 hours. Got it?"

"Got it."

Castle almost spit out his coffee when he saw the offer. The first time he'd been approached, he'd only been a little tempted. Sure, the money would have been great, not to mention fulfilling a lifelong dream. But at the end of the day, he couldn't leave Beckett; he'd never truly considered taking it. But now…

This could be what got Black Pawn off his back about bringing Nikki back.

That evening, after a long meeting with his attorneys and even longer conversations with his mother and Alexis, he called Paula.

"I sent you a few stipulations to pass on," he started as soon as she answered. "But they're reasonable, and there should be no reason they'll turn them down." He paused. The next words could change his life.

"I'll do it."

* * *

 **JANUARY**

"You're sure you got everything?"

Castle smiled and pulled Alexis into yet another hug. "I'm sure, sweetie. I'm coming home in a few months, remember? So don't let Gram burn the place down."

"I heard that," Martha piped up with feigned offense. She shared a smile with her son and joined their hug. "We'll be fine, kiddo."

"And between FaceTime and Skype it will be like I'm not even gone," Castle insisted, although he knew his smile didn't quite reach his eyes. Because despite technology, he'd still be across the ocean from his family, in a city he hadn't been to in years, writing a book with sky-high expectations, while his daughter navigated her second semester of college.

Part of him felt selfish, like he was running away from his demons. But everyone he'd talked to, from his family to Ryan and Esposito to Dr. Burke, was nothing short of supportive. Dr. Burke especially felt that the change in scenery could be beneficial to him. Besides, he'd only be gone six months for research, and then he could come back to New York to write.

Castle caught a glimpse of the clock and regretfully pulled out of the hug. "I have to go." He kissed his mother on the cheek. "I love you, Mother. And thank you."

Martha cupped Rick's cheeks. "I love you too, Richard."

Rick turned to Alexis and mirrored his mother's gesture. "If you need anything, you call. I don't care what day, what time, I will be here."

"I know, Dad. No go. Make them proud."

Castle gave Alexis a watery kiss on her forehead. "That's my line." He hoisted his laptop bag onto his shoulder. "I'll call when I land, okay? I love you both."


	8. Chapter 7

_A/N: Not much to say at the moment except thank you for the continued response to this story!_

* * *

 **CHAPTER SEVEN**

Castle groaned as he flipped through yet another folder. Like every other file he'd been allowed access to over the past two months, most information was blacked out, rendering most of his time a complete waste.

Honestly, he felt he learned more about MI-6 from movies and TV than from MI-6 itself. Not for the first time, he cursed his insistence that he come to London for research, for authenticity. His most useful acquisition so far had been first-hand knowledge of the sprawling city.

He'd been too spoiled with the NYPD. Being out on the streets, witnessing real live police work…that had inspired him, had made him want to write Nikki Heat. Being in London was supposed to inspire him to write Bond. But here, he wasn't in the streets, or even shadowing analysts. Here, he was stuck in a windowless room with limited access to information. Almost every file he saw was heavily redacted, more black bars than actual words. Castle wasn't inspired to write Bond.

He was inspired to go home.

When he returned to his rented flat several hours later, Rick made a phone call to Paula. He couldn't spend one more minute in that basement. Unfortunately, she made the very valid point that not only would he be in breach of contract if he left, he'd have to return the advance money, plus his reputation would take a serious hit. And although he claimed not to care about his reputation, he also knew that a little short-term pain would be better for him long-term.

So, Castle cracked his knuckles, picked up his pen, and went back to work.

* * *

Castle was pulled out of sleep that night by the incessant ringing of his phone. He'd fallen asleep playing the new Temple Run game, and after all his tossing and turning, it had ended up somewhere in his bed.

He finally tracked it down when it started ringing again, and when he dug it out from the foot of the bed _(how did it even get down there?)_ he saw the 47 total missed calls from both Ryan and Esposito.

 _Holy shit._

He glanced at the clock as he hit redial on the most recent call; it was almost 2am, so 9pm back in New York. What the hell were the boys calling him for that couldn't wait until it was a more reasonable hour in both time zones?

As he waited for Ryan to pick up, his anxiety grew. The first missed call had been almost an hour before; God, did something happen to Alexis? His mother? _Dammit Ryan pick up the phone!_

"Ryan."

"Jesus, finally. What's going on?" Castle could hear commotion in the background, Gates's voice rising above the din. He must be at the precinct.

"Castle! It's about time! Look, I only have a minute. Do you get CNN?"

"No, just London stations. Why?" Castle turned his TV on anyway and fired up his laptop at the same time. Before Ryan could answer, though, he flipped the channel to BBC News, and froze. "Ryan. Is this true?"

Ryan stepped into the supply closet to cut down on the background noise. "Yeah, it's true. Espo's on his way to the scene, and Gates has all of us here answering the phones. People have been calling in with bomb threats, conspiracy theories, the whole nine yards. You'd probably enjoy some of the theories we're hearing about how aliens planned the whole thing."

Castle barely heard a word Ryan said. "Kev..." he finally muttered. "It's over."

Back in New York, Kevin couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, buddy. It's over."

* * *

"Breaking news out of New York…"

"…Presidential hopeful Senator William Bracken…"

"…killed in an explosion…"

"…he was in town to introduce a new bill…"

"…bomb seems to have been in the podium…"

"…investigation is underway…"

"…we will bring you more details as they become available."

* * *

Castle finally fell back asleep around 4am, having spent the time glued to various news sites. Once BBC had started repeating information, he'd switched to CNN and other American news sites, devouring as much information as he could. He'd known Bracken was in New York; he kept tabs on the man ever since they'd discovered his connection to the two Beckett murders. And Castle was only slightly ashamed that he felt mostly relief at the news.

He slept until well after noon, when the ringing of his phone woke him up. He fumbled around his nightstand, almost dropping it, but recovering just in time. "'lo?"

"Is it true?" Jim Beckett's voice came through the speaker. "Bracken. He's dead?"

Rick sat up and rubbed a hand through his hair. "Yeah, he's dead."

He'd initially wanted to keep the Senator's identity a secret from Jim, the connection Bracken had had to the deaths of Johanna and Kate. But the truth had come out in one of their regular chats, so Rick wasn't surprised to hear from Jim.

Jim sighed on the other end of the line. "Good."

After speaking to Jim for awhile, he decided he might as well get up. It was Saturday, so he wasn't going into MI-6, not that he'd be able to concentrate anyway. He grabbed his notebook from his nightstand and padded into his kitchenette.

Back in New York, he'd visited her gravestone several times, the most recent being the day before he left for London. A couple times he just stood and stared, his tears silent. But sometimes, especially when he was reading her journals for the first time, he had to speak, to respond to the words she'd written.

So before he'd come to London, Dr. Burke had suggested that he start keeping a journal. Despite making a living out of writing, Castle had never been one for journaling. But it had seemed to help Kate, and since he was in London alone, he figured it couldn't hurt.

 _Kate,_

 _I'm sure the others have been to your grave already and filled you in. But Bracken is dead. Killed in an explosion, set by his driver. Your typical, run-of-the-mill motive, unfortunately, nothing too exciting. I wanted him to pay. I wanted to see him in interrogation, wanted to lay the evidence out, watch his lawyers panic. I should feel like justice was served, but I don't. The world will never know what he did._

He curled his fist, swiped angrily at his wet cheeks.

 _He'll be a fucking martyr, and you'll still be dead, a cop killed on duty, a fucking statistic. Your mom will still be a random stabbing in an alley. It's not fair._

He was silent for a few minutes, listened to the breeze outside his open window, imagined it was her voice.

 _I should be happy he's dead. Watching him be successful, rise in the polls, all the while knowing what he did, who he was, that was torture. But this, this is just as bad._

 _I wish you were here. I wish I could hold your hand. Kiss you. Tell you I love you when I know you'll hear it and say it back. I wish…so many things._

* * *

A few weeks later Rick was taking advantage of a rainy April Saturday to reorganize his small office. He'd managed to finish another couple of chapters; despite his original plan that he'd make use the trip to primarily research, he'd managed to write several chapters as well. And between writing, research, and regular chat sessions with his family, he needed a mindless task to focus on.

He had just refilled his coffee when he heard three short raps on his door. Rick changed direction and opened it without looking, to see two men in suits and buzz cuts, looking very serious and very professional and _oh God did something happen to Mother or Alexis…_

He managed to keep his voice steady when he asked, "Can I help you?"

The shorter, stockier suit spoke. "Richard Castle?"

"Yes, how can I help—"

"Rick."

Rick froze at the voice. It couldn't be…but then the body that the voice belonged to appeared in his line of sight and he stumbled backwards, coming to a stop against the hall closet door.

She looked both different and exactly the same from last time he saw her. Her hair was shorter, and she looked tired, skinnier than before. But she was still the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on.

And she was alive.

"Kate."

* * *

 _A/N 2: Wait, what?!_


	9. Chapter 8

_A/N: I really, really enjoyed reading your reviews and comments after the last chapter. Thanks for reading!_

* * *

 **CHAPTER 8**

 _"_ _Kate."_

Her name came out as barely more than a whisper. It had been almost a year, ten months of her being dead, and now she was in front of him, looking at him with that intense gaze he'd seen so many times. She was studying him, trying to gauge his reaction, but he was totally in shock.

"You're alive."

Rick's legs gave out and he was on his knees before he could even blink.

Kate stepped inside, nodded at the two agents. "Thanks, guys." She kneeled in front of Castle, who was just staring at the ground. She reached out a tentative hand to graze the back of his and he jerked back, raised his head to look at her.

"You – you're here." Rick turned his hand over to grasp hers, touched her cheek with his other. "How?'

Kate eyes fluttered closed as Rick caressed her face, running his fingers along her cheek, her jaw, even her ear. "It's a long story." Kate mirrored his actions, cupping his face in both hands for a brief moment before tracing it with her fingers. She'd longed to do this for years, to brush his hair back from his forehead, to rub her thumb over the laugh lines by his eyes. "I'll explain later. Right now, I need to do this."

She gripped his jaw, pulled his face close to her, brought their lips together softly. She didn't mean to deepen it, meant for it to just be soft and reassuring, but Castle responded almost immediately. He cupped the back of her head, tilted to get a better angle, and when Kate moaned and opened up to him he didn't hesitate.

Castle's hands slipped under her shirt, splayed across the expanse of her ribs, fingertips brushing the bottom of her bra. Kate responded, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him close, chest to chest. She pulled away when she needed to breathe, only to have Castle trail his lips across her cheekbone and down her neck. Her heart fluttered in her chest when he grazed his teeth along her pulse, and despite the feel of the heat coiling in the pit of her stomach, she pushed his shoulders away.

"Castle," she breathed, pulling back to look at him. She stood, and he followed, eyes glued to her. _Old habits,_ she thought to herself with a smirk. She laced their fingers together and brushed her lips against his briefly before pulling him in the direction of his bedroom.

Rick's mind was spinning; minutes ago he was contemplating whether to move his desk, and now the love of his life, who he thought was dead, was leading him into his bedroom. He opened his mouth to say something: a declaration of love, that he was glad she was here, but nothing like that came out.

"Who were the suits?"

Kate froze and threw him a look. "That's what you're going to lead with?"

Castle shrugged. "Apparently."

Kate huffed and changed direction to the couch. She tucked her feet under her when they sat so she could face him, their fingers still intertwined and laying in his lap. "The suits were US Marshals assigned to me. I've been in Witness Protection."

"Seriously?" Castle shifted so he was facing her. "Witness Protection? I thought that's to keep people safe until trials. Wait, were you a witness to something? Was there some sort of trial you were involved in?" The last question came out as almost a whisper, as if someone would overhear.

Kate couldn't help but smile. Rick was equal parts excited, curious, and worried. She knew it was taking every ounce of self-control not to jump up and grab a notebook while he bombarded her with questions.

"No, I wasn't a witness. That file that Roy had about my mom's case? He sent a bare-bones copy to a friend of his in the Marshals. And by bare-bones, I mean it pretty much just had two letters from Roy, one for me, one for her." She held her hand up when Rick opened his mouth, presumably with a question. "Mine basically just apologized for what had happened. The one he'd sent to his friend had a little more, but not much. All it said was that William Bracken was involved. It didn't say how, or give any more information. But it did say that I wasn't safe as long as Bracken was around. So, when he was killed, they decided I didn't have to be protected anymore. So, that's why I'm out. As for why I'm _here_ ," she interrupted herself as she moved to straddle his lap, "I couldn't go another day, another minute, without seeing you."

She deepened the kiss immediately, moaning and rolling her hips when Castle's hands found their way under her shirt again. Castle growled and moved his hands to grip her ass, lifting her as he stood. He managed to tear his lips away when she clawed at the hem of his shirt.

"Kate—"

Kate pulled back just enough that she could look into his lust-darkened eyes. "I love you, Rick. I should have told you a long time ago. I love you and I want you." She moved her hands to his neck and ran her fingers through the soft hair at his nape. "We've waited too long, Rick. Take me to bed."

* * *

Rick knew he should be sleeping. He was exhausted, physically and emotionally, but he still couldn't believe that Kate was alive. She was here, in his arms, in his bed. And she loved him. He knew that, of course, having read and re-read her journals, but hearing the words come out of her mouth was completely different.

Kate was asleep on her stomach, head turned towards him, and he couldn't help but stare. She looked at peace, and judging by the circles under her eyes he wondered how often she'd gotten a good night's sleep over the past months.

They'd talked a little after their first round, mostly Kate explaining more the circumstances surrounding her fake death. It had been the only way for her to disappear that made sense, she'd explained. She hadn't wanted to, but once the Marshal had told her Bracken's name, she'd known it was the only way to keep the people that she loved safe.

"Especially you," she'd said tenderly, her hand on his cheek. "I knew that if you suspected I was alive, at all, you wouldn't stop looking for me, and that could have gotten you killed. I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to you or your family."

The gravity of what they'd been through hit shortly thereafter, and their second round had been quick, frantic, even a little rough. Rick was desperate to prove to himself that Kate was there; she wanted him to know how much she needed him.

Rick smiled to himself and glanced at the clock. It was getting towards dinner time and he had very little food in the house. Judging by the quiet rumble of his stomach, and knowing they'd both need their energy, he ordered some takeout and snuck out of bed to take a shower.

* * *

Kate woke slowly to the faint sound of plates and silverware drifting into the bedroom. She stretched, burrowing further into the soft sheets that surrounded her. This was heaven, this was—

Kate's eyes shot open and she was instantly alert. This wasn't her bed. The sheets were wrong, impossibly soft and luxurious, and a light grey that definitely didn't belong to her. She shot up, the sheet falling to her waist, and – oh. She was naked.

It all came back to her, then: being told she could leave, that she didn't have to be in protection anymore. The agents asking her where she'd like to go, flying back to New York, then London. Talking to Rick. And then…

Kate grinned. She'd ached every day for Castle, wishing she could call him and hear his voice again. When she'd showed up at his door there had been a brief moment of panic that he'd moved on, or didn't want her anymore. But the countless declarations of love over the last several hours, and the ache between her legs that replaced the one in her heart, proved to her that her worries were for naught.

She lay back down and stretched again. The past year had been absolute hell. But she was home.

Castle found Kate like that a few minutes later, sprawled across the bed, looking happier than he'd ever seen. He set the tray of food and water on her bedside table before leaning down to steal a kiss. "I'd say 'good morning,' but it's almost six pm," he teased.

Kate curled a hand around the back of Rick's neck and tugged, gently pulling him down for another kiss. "Well damn, I was hoping for some morning sex," she threw right back, punctuating her words with a squeeze through the front of his boxers. She giggled as Castle growled and pounced on top of her. "I guess evening sex will do."

* * *

Later, they were eating reheated takeout when neither could hold back their burning questions anymore.

"Where were you?"

"How is everyone?"

They looked at each other and snickered, but Kate also swelled with joy. It seemed like her and Rick's "shared brain thing," as Lanie had once put it, was unaffected by their time apart. She motioned for Castle to go first.

"So, where were you? Did they move you around, or did you stay in one place?"

"Um, a little of both." Kate fiddled with her fork, her plate only half empty, but she wasn't hungry anymore. "At first they took me to a safe house, here in the city, where they had a doctor take care of me. I was in pretty bad shape for a few weeks."

"How'd they get you out of the hospital? They would have had to involve the doctor, right?"

Kate nodded slowly, remembering. "Yeah. They replaced the surgeon with one of their own. It was a Marshal doctor who went out to the waiting room. He was the same one that patched me up."

"How bad was it?"

"Bad. I don't really remember the first few days. I had a lot of cuts and bruises. I did actually have some internal bleeding in the hospital. Some of my ribs were either broken or cracked, and I had a hairline fracture in my left wrist." She looked at him with fire in her eyes. "I heard Maddox was killed. I just wish I could have seen it myself."

Rick shuddered at the memory of Maddox's body, or what was left of it, after the bomb. "No, you don't. Where'd you go after the safe house? I'm going to assume you left the city?"

"Yeah, it was too dangerous here, even with agents watching 24/7. So as soon as I was okay to travel, they flew me to Minneapolis, where I stayed until the news about Bracken." She reached out and took Castle's hand. "Is it true? Did he kill my mom?"

Rick nodded, understanding, and squeezed Kate's hand. "It's true."

At Rick's words, Kate sighed and slumped forward, her forehead landing next to her plate. "I wish I could have seen his face," she muttered into the table. "I wish I could have arrested him."

Castle let go of her hand and gently rubbed between her shoulder blades. "I know, Kate."

"How's my dad?"

Rick let half his mouth lift into a crooked smile. "He's good. Still sober. They gave him your watch. His watch. Anyway, he's worn it since, well, you know." He brushed his fingers against the back of her neck. "We met a few times a month before I came here. Coffee, lunch, whatever. To talk. I, uh, well, I had a hard time the first few weeks. I spent a lot of time at The Old Haunt. Your dad saw that, and he helped me." He squeezed her shoulder lightly. "He's a great man."

Kate brushed the tears from her cheeks. Besides Castle, she'd worried most about her dad. Not a day went by that she didn't think about him, hoped that he was still sober. And he was, and she couldn't be happier.

"How are the boys? Lanie?"

"They're fine," Rick said, taking their plates to the dishwasher. "Um, Javi and Lanie got back together, again, but it's been months and they haven't broken up yet again so this time it might last. Jenny's pregnant, about six months, so Ryan's pretty ecstatic."

"Were you still working with them at the precinct?"

"No, I stopped a few weeks after you di – well, left. I knew I didn't want to write anymore Nikki, and being at the precinct was just too painful. Everything reminded me of you." He leaned back against the counter, facing her. "Everyone's good. Alexis is at Columbia, she's living at home with Mother who stays busy with her acting studio, they're fine."

"Uh-huh." Kate watched as Castle busied himself with clearing the small counter. She'd seen him in a t-shirt only a handful of times, and she felt her face flush as she watched the expanse of his back, muscles rippling under the shirt. She grabbed their glasses and took them to the sink, wrapped her arms around him from behind after setting them down. She pressed herself into his back, felt him take a shuddering breath when she locked her hands together on his stomach.

"What about you, Rick?" she muttered into his spine. "How are you?"

"Um, I'm good. Fine. Glad we can put everything behind us." Castle hoped she didn't hear the tremble in his voice.

Kate lifted her head and gave his back a look. If he thought she'd lost her cop instincts, he was surely mistaken. "Fine?" she repeated, skeptical. "I've seen _The Italian Job,_ Castle. I know what 'fine' stands for."

Rick dropped his chin to his chest for a brief moment before spinning around to envelop Kate in a crushing hug. After several minutes of trying to control his emotions, he finally managed to speak. "Every day, Kate. I missed you every damn day. I kept reliving the last time I saw you, my last words to you. I told you it was over and I was done. I didn't mean it then, and it was stupid to say. It wasn't over. I could never be done."

Kate squeezed him right back. "I know. Me neither. And I am so sorry, Rick. For everything. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. But if any of you had gotten hurt, especially you, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. It was the safest way." She pulled back far enough so she could look him in the eyes. "Look, I don't want us to keep looking back. Can we move forward?"

"Of course. Start over?"

"No," she said almost immediately, shaking her head. "We're both completely different people now than when we met, and I wouldn't be who I am today without you. So no, I don't want to start over. I want us to start here."

* * *

"I met your therapist."

Kate lifted her head from its resting place on Castle's chest, saw him gazing at her with a familiar tenderness in his eyes. "Oh, yeah? Where, at my funeral?"

Rick shook his head. "No. He went, but I was in no mood to socialize." He shifted in bed so they were facing each other. "For the first couple months, I was a bit of a mess. Even after I stopped drinking myself to oblivion all the time, I couldn't stop thinking about you. I found that picture of us from Ryan and Jenny's wedding. It's been on my nightstand pretty much since I found it. It definitely didn't help, and I had your journals—"

Kate sat up. "You read my journals?"

Castle reached a hand to her shoulder and coaxed her back down. "You were dead. I had no idea how you felt about me. I was confused, so your dad let me have them." He tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "I needed to keep you alive."

Kate hummed in contentment at Castle's touch. "Okay, we'll talk about invading the privacy of one presumed dead later. Dr. Burke?"

"Right. I kept seeing and hearing you everywhere, and I realized that I was driving myself crazy. Not to mention, by that time we knew about Bracken, and it was eating me up inside knowing that we couldn't do anything. I didn't want to talk to the boys or your dad, they were dealing with it too, and no one else knew about Bracken. So, one day I asked Lanie for some recommendations, and the only name she gave me was Dr. Burke's." He smiled sheepishly. "She might have said something about him being your therapist."

Kate rolled her eyes. She'd have to give Lanie a hard time about that "And? Did he help?"

Rick nodded. "He did. He said it was okay not to be able to arrest Bracken. That you wouldn't think less of me if we couldn't. And that just because you'd been passionate about your mom's case didn't mean your feelings for me were any less."

"Yeah," Kate snorted, "That sounds like something he'd say." She made herself meet his eyes. "We talked about you, Rick," she confessed. "For months, we talked about you fairly consistently. He pretty much told me the same thing he told you. He was right, too. I'd let my inability to solve my mom's case dictate whether or not I could be happy. And I almost missed my chance with you because of my stupidity."

"Stupidity?" Castle brushed his thumb over the prominent bone of her cheek. "Not stupidity. It's called being human, Kate. But we have our second chance. Let's not waste it."


	10. Chapter 9

_A/N: Sorry for the wait for this chapter!_

* * *

 **CHAPTER 9**

 _Beckett woke slowly, her brain fuzzy, trying to make sense of the commotion around her. Her ears perked up first, almost immediately recognizing the faint crackle of an intercom and the loud and steady beeping near her head. She heard footsteps and felt a hand on her wrist, heard the beeping slightly change._

 _She managed to crack one eye open, wincing immediately at the bright fluorescent light directly above her. She opened both eyes, more slowly this time, to let it adjust._

 _"_ _Welcome back, Ms. Beckett," came a kind voice from her right._

 _Kate shifted her gaze, saw the man who she presumed had touched her wrist a minute before. She slowly took in her surroundings. She was alone; unlike last year after she was shot, she apparently had a private room. She wondered if Castle had insisted on it, and her heart swelled at the thought._

 _"_ _Where—" Kate tried to speak around her chapped lips, but her throat was raw and it came out as a garble._

 _The man pulled a chair over and sat next to her. Kate tried to shift, to sit up, but immediately cried out at the sharp pain that shot up both her sides._

 _"_ _Don't try to move," he said quietly but firmly. He lifted a cup of water, helped Kate tilt her head enough to take a sip from the offered straw. "I'm Dr. Hayes. You're in a private room at Bellevue. You've had some injuries. What do you remember?"_

 _Kate narrowed her eyes in thought, cleared her throat before speaking again. "Who are you really?" she demanded as forcefully as she could, tried to give him her best glare. She was surprised her dad wasn't in the room; then again, if she was in the ICU he wouldn't be allowed…_

 _Kate tried to raise her hand but her wrist was heavy, and a glance down revealed the cast on her left arm. "What the hell happened? Where's my dad? Where's Cas—" She stopped herself, the memories flooding back._

 _The case._

 _The fight with Castle._

 _The hotel. Maddox. The roof._

 _Shit._

 _She glared at the man again. "Who do you work for?"_

 _"_ _He works for me."_

 _Kate turned her head towards the door at the new voice. "And who the hell are you?"_

 _"_ _I'm Deputy Marshal Cruz." The woman pushed off the doorframe and gave a curt nod to Dr. Hayes, who left the room._

 _Kate cocked and eyebrow, one of the only parts of her body that didn't hurt. "Deputy Marshal?" She sized the woman up: short and petite, she didn't look intimidating, but Kate had learned long ago not to judge a book by its cover. "I don't understand."_

 _Cruz stood next to the bed, her arms crossed, a folder under one arm. "I'm with the US Marshals, Detective."_

 _"_ _How do you know—"_

 _"_ _I know a lot," she interrupted. "All that matters right now is that I was a friend of Roy Montgomery's. Before he died, he asked me to keep an eye on you, to keep you safe. As soon as I heard you were here I knew it was time."_

 _"_ _Time for what?"_

 _"_ _You're in danger, Kate."_

 _Beckett froze, and Cruz continued, taking advantage of the silence._

 _"_ _I can't say a lot right now. But what I can say is, if they know you're alive, they'll keep coming after you until you're dead. They're too powerful for you to take on."_

 _Something Cruz said stuck with Kate. "If they know I'm…alive? What are you saying?"_

 _Cruz took something out of the folder in her hands and gave it to Kate. "You need to trust me. I'm the only way you can get out of this."_

 _Kate watched her walk out before looking at what was in her hand. She immediately felt her breath hitch in her throat; she'd recognize that handwriting anywhere._

 _Kate,_

 _If you're reading this, I'm dead, and you're in terrible danger. Words cannot express how sorry I am about everything. Everything, Kate._

 _When we started it, we were trying to do something good. Trying to clean up the streets that we loved. But then Armen got killed and it all went to hell._

 _I never meant for your mom to get caught up in it. And I sure as hell didn't want you to, either._

 _You will have been handed this letter by Deputy Marshal Elise Cruz. We were at the Academy together and she has remained one of my closest friends. You can trust her. Please, trust her. She may be the only person who can keep you alive right now._

 _I know you want me to give you the name. You know why I won't do that. If you go after him alone, you're dead. He's too powerful. Please, just listen to Cruz._

 _You were, and are, the best cop I have ever seen. Hopefully this shift is temporary and you can go back home soon. Just don't beat yourself up, Kate._

 _We may have lost this battle. But you will win this war._

 _Roy_

 _Kate didn't bother trying to stop the tears that flowed as she read the words from her late captain and one-time mentor. He was right; deep down, she knew he was right. Cruz hadn't shared any details, but Kate knew that being held by a Marshal meant only one thing._

 _She was going to have to leave, maybe forever, and to everyone she loved she would be dead. Lanie, Espo, Ryan, Jenny. Gates. Martha and Alexis. Her dad._

 _Castle._

 _Another sob escaped Kate's throat and she raised her good hand to stifle the next one. Oh, Castle. Her one thought while hanging off that roof was of him. She loved him. She wanted him. And now, he would never know. He would never know she loved him back._

* * *

Kate woke with a start, her senses taking a few moments to come back to her. She hadn't had that dream in weeks; this time it was so real it felt like she was back in the hospital room, being told she was going under protection. Breathing hard, Kate untangled her legs from Castle's and managed to slip out of bed without waking him. She already loved being held by him, having once thought it would never happen. But not right now.

Right now, she needed some air. She needed space.

She padded into the living room, where a French door led to a small, narrow balcony. Ignoring the cool night air, Kate wrapped the robe she'd grabbed tight around her and stepped outside. She would always be a city slicker, but summers spent at the family cabin had instilled a love of the outdoors that she'd never been able to shake. Even the summer after she got shot, she would sometimes sit by the lake for hours on end, just taking it all in.

While she hadn't had any choice about where to go, Kate was glad she'd been taken to Minnesota. Minneapolis was a big city, but not so overwhelming like Manhattan could sometimes be. And they had a baseball team; Kate didn't get to see her beloved Mets, but despite a terrible season, she became a de facto Twins fan and went to several games. She'd even made a couple of friends that she could pretend to be normal around. Besides having to pretend to be someone else, of course.

Upon entry to Witness Protection, Kate had made one thing clear: she refused to stay holed up in an apartment for the rest of her life. So soon after she regained some of her strength, she had started to explore the area. Minneapolis had a lot of things to do outdoors, from numerous parks to a few of the thousands of lakes the state boasted about. Kate took solace in the outdoors in her months there. In the wilderness, she could forget the plain apartment. She could forget about the price on her head. She could forget about home.

Or she could try.

Kate heard the soft click of the door over the sounds of the city moments before Castle's hands landed on her shoulders.

"Hey," he said quietly in her ear, rubbing his hands down her arms to lace his fingers through hers. "Aren't you cold?"

Kate smiled and leaned her head back on his shoulder. "A little, it feels good though. Did I wake you?"

Castle nuzzled his cheek against hers. "Got cold when you left. It's fine," he rushed when she started to apologize. "I'd rather wake up than miss another moment with you."

Kate smiled, but stayed silent. They'd done a lot of talking over the past 36 hours, with their mouths and bodies alike. Right now, she was content just standing here, wrapped in his arms, being warmed by his embrace.

After a few minutes she sighed. "I miss the sky." She felt Castle start at her voice. "I lived in the city, but when the weather was nice I spent a lot of time outdoors. Sometimes I'd go for a drive, or go out camping for a weekend. With a couple agents as bodyguards, of course. But I had to get out of the city sometimes to clear my head. And the stars, God, Castle, the sky. It's so majestic, makes me feel so small. Good for putting things in perspective. It's like that at my dad's cabin, too."

Castle smiled against the collar of her robe. "I'd like to go there with you," he whispered. "The cabin. If it's okay, of course."

"Of course it is."

"I bought the house in the Hamptons for the same reason, to get away from the hustle and bustle of the city. It's definitely not as isolated as the cabin probably is, but out on the beach, looking over the ocean, there aren't very many places I'd rather be."

Kate turned in Castle's arms to gaze into his eyes. "I'd like to see it."

Castle smiled and touched his forehead to hers. "I'd like that too."

* * *

"Kate."

Kate huffed as she woke, but smiled when she felt Castle's lips at her temple. "Hmm?"

Rick stood from the bed, brushed his fingers against her cheek. "I gotta get going. I have to go in today."

Kate stretched and smiled when she noticed his eyes darken at her movement. "Do you have to? I'm sure boring research can wait a couple more days." She reached for his hand, trapping his fingers between hers. "You did say being there is torture."

Castle groaned. "I did and it is. But I don't want to be here any longer than I have to, and I have to fulfill my contract. Besides, they're expecting me." He let Kate pull him closer, though, and didn't protest when she met his lips in a lazy, drawn-out kiss. He forced his eyes open when she pulled away. "God, I love you."

"Hmm, I love you too." Kate caressed his cheek, then lightly pushed him away. "Go. The sooner you leave the sooner you'll be back." She sat up and pulled the sheet around herself, watching Castle as he grabbed his bag and keys. "I'll be here when you get back."

It was still early, so Kate stayed in bed, dozing for a couple hours. She finally pulled herself out of bed when her stomach protested its lack of food and padded into the kitchenette. She scrounged up some food, made herself some eggs and toast, and ate in the silence of the flat. It was early, earlier still in New York, and while she was itching to get back to the life that was, she couldn't deny that she felt a lot of nerves.

For ten months, her friends and family had thought she was dead. It had been permanent to them. She had a gravestone, near her mother. They had all moved on, or were working on it like Rick did, were living their lives without her.

How could she disrupt that?

And over the phone, at that?

 _Maybe coming here was a mistake,_ she thought to herself. Coming to Castle, flying almost 4,000 miles to show up at his doorstep, that had felt like the only thing to do. It was a romantic, epic, made-for-the-movies kind of move. But now she could either fly back to New York, and delay everyone knowing that much longer, or call them.

Kate moved slowly and deliberately as she cleaned her dishes. Coming here first was the right thing to do. The healing hole in her heart was proof. She hadn't felt like herself the whole time she was gone. She missed him, their banter, their easy partnership. She even missed the challenge of the last few cases, the heartbreak she felt when she didn't know why he was pulling away.

And she still regretted letting him walk away that night in her apartment. She'd been so blind, so stubborn...but that was past them. They'd cleared the air. They'd laughed, and cried, and they were starting again. They were diving in together, to repeat her words from the previous year. And Kate didn't think she'd ever been happier.

She lounged around for a few hours, something she rarely did, but as much as she wanted to explore the city, she wanted to do it with Castle. So she spent the morning tidying up the bedroom and bathroom, and lying on the couch watching TV, until it was afternoon and she couldn't stop herself from reaching for the phone.

She dialed her dad first; certain things she would never forget, and his phone number was one of them. She'd almost called him or Castle numerous times when she was away, to reassure them that she was okay, but had always come back to reality just in time. But this time she dialed the U.S. country code, followed by the familiar numbers of her dad's phone, and held her breath while it rang.

"Jim Beckett."

Kate's breath stopped at the sound of her dad's voice. _Oh God this was a mistake, I should have had Castle call him first, warn him..._

"Hello? Is someone there?"

She finally managed to clear her throat. "Hi, Dad." The words felt foreign, having not said them together in 10 months, and she almost started to cry when she heard the sharp inhale on the other end of the line.

"Katie?" Jim asked quietly, his voice laced with disbelief. "Is that really you?"

Kate choked out a sob, her face breaking into a grin. "Yeah, Dad, it's me. It's really me."

On the other end of the call, Jim stumbled to his couch and sat down, hard, his brain working overtime to make sense of it. "I don't...how?"

"The short version is, Witness Protection."

"God," Jim breathed. "Witness Protection. Katie. What happened?"

Kate explained it all, from Montgomery's file to her time in Minneapolis, her dad staying mostly silent except to ask the occasional question. It wasn't until she was done that he brought up her decision to go straight to London.

"So...how's Rick handling it?"

Kate could hear the slight tease in her dad's voice and couldn't help the smile that crept onto her face. "He's good," she said slowly. "He was definitely surprised; he pretty much fell on his butt when he saw me."

"I did not!" Castle called out, having just walked in the door.

Kate looked up at him. _Was it really that late?_ "Yeah you did," she shot back. She turned her attention back to her dad. "Anyway, he's fine. We're fine. We've done a lot of talking, a lot of catching up and getting to know each other again. I'm glad I came here."

"Good. Listen, Katie, I want to see you. Why don't I fly out there, I can be there this time tomorrow." Jim was itching to see his daughter again, to hug her, proof that she wasn't a figment of his imagination.

Kate glanced at Castle again. "Um, actually, I'll come your way. Come home."

Castle's head shot up at her words. They'd talked briefly about her going back to New York to see everyone, since she'd come straight to London, but they hadn't talked timing. He motioned towards his office as he headed that way.

Kate nodded at him in acknowledgement. "I'll call you when I know my flight, okay? I miss you. I miss home."

"Okay. I love you, Katie."

"I love you too." Kate sighed after she hung up; her cheeks were starting to hurt from smiling during her conversation, but she couldn't bring herself to stop. She looked around for Castle and spotted him at his desk, in front of his laptop, and she walked over to stand next to him. "Hey."

Castle glanced up with a smile. "Hey. How's your dad?" He rolled his chair back so Kate could slide onto his lap.

Kate wrapped her arms around his neck. "He sounded pretty shocked. I don't think he really knew what was happening for the first few minutes. But we talked for, gosh, hours. I called him right after I ate lunch." She looked at his computer screen then and saw that he was on a travel website. "What are you doing?"

"Getting your ticket for New York." Castle reached around her and selected a departure for the next afternoon. "What about this one? Do you want a one-way, or I can get you a round trip with an open return flight? I don't want to limit your time there right now, you don't even have to come back, you can just stay there, I'll be home in a few months—"

"Castle." Kate turned his head towards her. "You're rambling."

"I know you want to go home. But I don't want you to feel like I'm pushing you away."

"What? Rick, that thought hadn't even crossed my mind." She shifted so she was straddling him, her thighs bracketing his hips. "I miss New York. But I don't consider it home anymore."

"Because of Minneapolis?"

"No. Because of you." Kate leaned in and captured his mouth in a slow kiss. " _You're_ home, Castle. The whole time I was gone, I wanted to be able to come home to you. Every day I scoured the news, hoping for anything. Just a mention of you, or everyone else, anything. I bought _Frozen Heat_ the day it came out and read it that night." She sighed and rested her forehead on his. "I don't ever want to be apart from you again. That's why, when Bracken was killed and they released me, I came straight here."

"Kate." Castle let her name out on a moan when her hips rolled against him. "Um, maybe stick around here a few more days first?"

Kate smiled against his mouth. "Come with me, Castle. You told me yourself you hate it here. Come back to New York with me. Come home."

"God, I wish I could, but it's in my contract to be here for at least six months." He gripped her thighs and stood, carrying her to the bed. "It's boring as hell, but it's still my job. I'll tell you what, though," he continued as he worked at removing her clothes, "I'll take a long weekend, come back for a couple days."

Kate grasped at Castle's shirt. "Sounds like a plan."

* * *

 _A/N 2: Thank you for reading! This is the last chapter I have completely ready; I have the beginnings of the next one but between one-shot plot bunnies that snuck up on me, plus work and school, I haven't been able to sit down and work on this one. Hopefully it'll be up in the next week or two! Thank you again; the favorites/follows/retweets/reblogs/likes/reviews all make me grateful!_


	11. Chapter 10

**CHAPTER 10**

Kate was nervous as she made her way to baggage claim from the international terminal. The flight had been uneventful, and she'd even been able to get a few hours of much-needed sleep, since she and Castle hadn't slept much the night before.

She'd almost rescheduled her flight; before they left for the airport, Castle had been quiet and distant, almost cold towards her. He'd put on a smile, of course, saying he'd miss her and talk to her soon, but she knew her partner. He was almost acting like he had in the weeks before her disappearance, only without the blatant anger. But still, he'd been withdrawn.

At first she'd attributed it to fatigue, with him working on the book all day and being with her, out in the city or in his flat, all night. After all, it had been almost a week since her return, and neither had done a lot of sleeping. Now, though, she wasn't so sure.

She'd call him, she decided. She'd already sent him a text when she'd landed, and she knew she wouldn't be able to for a few hours at least, but as soon as it was a reasonable time in London she'd FaceTime him.

Kate's eyes scanned the crowd as she approached the end of the international terminal, looking for the familiar face of her father. They caught each other's eyes at the same time, and Kate felt her face break out in into a grin at the look of pure joy on his face. She lightly pushed through her fellow travelers, and after what seemed like hours she was in Jim's arms, face buried in his neck. She and her dad had never really been huggers, but damn if it didn't feel good right now.

Jim pulled back first, his hands on his shoulders, watery eyes searching her face for any sign that this was a dream. "God, Katie, you look wonderful."

Kate laughed and hugged him again. "So do you, Dad."

They waited for her luggage in relative silence; they both had a lot they wanted to say, but baggage claim wasn't the time or the place. So they gathered her suitcase and slid into a waiting cab that took them to Jim's apartment in the Bronx. "Why don't you get settled," he suggested, taking her suitcase into the guest room. "I'll get us some dinner. Anything in particular you feel like?"

"Um, pizza? If that's okay?"

Jim gave his daughter a smile. "Perfect. I'll let you unpack."

Kate unpacked in silence; she wanted desperately to talk to Rick, find out what was bothering him, but it was the middle of the night there so she was going to have to wait. _At Dad's place, I'll call you tomorrow. Love you,_ she texted, knowing he'd see it when he woke up. She was just putting her suitcase in the closet when she heard her dad call out that the pizza had arrived, and she helped him set the table.

"So," Jim said hesitantly when they were done with dinner and the dishes were on the drying rack. They sat in his living room, armchairs sitting opposite each other. "Witness Protection."

Kate nodded, her feet curled under her. "Witness Protection. Rick told you about Senator Bracken?"

"Yes. He and Ryan and Esposito figured out it was Bracken the week after you...well, you know." Jim took a long drink of his water. "It was hard on all of them. But I think Rick took it the hardest. They all knew that Bracken was too powerful to go after, and they didn't have enough with just an account number. Not enough for a warrant, let alone an arrest. But they figured since you were...gone...that was it."

"They were right. With me supposedly dead, there wouldn't be anyone else to go after. With the file destroyed, I was the last loose end." Kate looked at her father closely, studying his face. He seemed to have aged years over the months she'd been gone; Castle said he wasn't drinking again, but she could see the pain in his eyes, the added lines on his face. "Dad."

Jim lifted his gaze from his glass to his daughter. "Yeah?"

"I'm so sorry that I did this to you. That I disappeared, that you all thought I was dead. I know it couldn't have been easy—"

"It wasn't," Jim interrupted. "Jesus, Katie, you were dead. We buried you. By your mother. I thought—" He paused and took a deep breath to collect his thoughts. "I know you didn't really have a choice. But do you know how hard it was not to park myself at a bar somewhere and drink until it didn't hurt anymore? You were all I had left."

"I didn't have a choice." It sounded thin, even to her ears.

"I know you didn't. Not really. It's just that…I shouldn't be upset. I should be grateful that you're alive. And I am. Believe me, I am so grateful. I'd rather you be here than not. But I'm healing, Katie. I was working through it. Spending time with Rick and the others, I was finally at a place where I could visit your grave without wanting to drown myself in the bottle."

Kate just stared at the floor, her hands clasped in front of her, not even trying to slow the tears streaming down her face. She knew it would be difficult, coming back; knew that as hard as the past year was for her, it had been even harder for her loved ones.

But this?

Finally, after several minutes of silence, Kate wiped her cheeks and looked up at her dad. He'd been crying this whole time too, and his face was streaked with tears. "I'm so, so sorry. I can't even tell you how sorry I am." She shook her head and looked away again. "I should have stayed away. I shouldn't have come back."

"Don't say that. Don't ever say that." Jim moved to sit on the coffee table, directly in front of her. He took her hands, waiting until she looked at him again. "No matter what, you being alive is so much better than the other alternative."

"But you're mad at me."

"Katie, do you remember when you were seven, and you decided to take my Tom Seaver ball and play fetch with the neighbor's dog?"

Kate chuckled through her tears. She remembered, all right. "You were so pissed that Mom talked to me first."

"Yeah, I was." Jim nodded. "I was so livid that your mom made me sit in my office for an hour while she talked to you. But when I saw how bad you felt, God, Katie, you were an absolute wreck. And when you apologized you were so quiet, sounded so upset. I'm not mad at you. I'm mad what happened, that we've gone through what we have. I'm mad at Bracken for taking your mother away from us and for starting this whole thing. God, Katie, I could never be mad at you for being alive."

Kate sniffled and took the handkerchief that Jim offered. "Thanks Dad," she said after blowing her nose, and she reached out to hug him. "I love you."

* * *

Jim and Kate spent the next day in the city, taking in the sights, some of the things Kate said she'd missed the most. They walked through part of Central Park, down Fifth Avenue, even to Times Square, which they usually avoided. But Kate looked at the city through new eyes, with a new perspective. She'd grown up in the city, spent her whole life there, and didn't really appreciate it until she thought she'd never see it again.

It was a rare March day, cold but clear, and despite the chill she insisted that they go to the top of the Empire State Building for sunset. She stood on the observation deck, looking east towards Long Island and beyond, towards the Atlantic, towards England. Towards Rick.

 _Rick._

Kate turned when she heard a gasp; behind her, a man was on one knee in front of his girlfriend, and although the breeze was loud enough that she couldn't hear his words, her teary nod and the resulting kiss that swept her off her feet was enough to make Kate smiled at the sight. But just as suddenly as she'd turned, she wanted to leave. She couldn't be there anymore. Not right now.

As much as she wanted to see the sights that she'd always taken for granted, and as much as she loved spending the missed time with her dad, she suddenly ached for Castle. She wanted to feel his strong arms around her, feel his breath against her ear as he whispered made-up stories about passersby like he did when they were out and about.

New York didn't feel like home anymore, but it wasn't because of the city.

Home was with Castle.

She wanted what the young couple had. She wanted her forever with the man she was desperately in love with.

Kate retreated from the observation deck and found her dad sipping coffee in the enclosed café; not being a fan of heights, he'd opted to stay inside. Frankly, she was surprised he'd even come up. More time spent together, she supposed. She stood in front of him, and he looked up after just a moment.

"Ready to go?" she said quickly, and Jim just nodded and finished the rest of his coffee as he followed her.

"Everything okay?" he finally asked when they walked out of the lobby doors and back onto Fifth Avenue.

Kate nodded, blinking back tears that she told herself were just from the cold air. "Yeah, everything's fine. I just got cold." She stared straight ahead refusing to look at him, and silently hoped that he didn't say anything. He probably knew she was lying; hopefully he also knew not to say anything.

As soon as they got back to the apartment, Kate bid her dad goodnight with a "Thank you for today" and a kiss on the cheek, then retreated to her room. It was the middle of the night in London, and Castle was due in New York in just a couple days for the weekend, but she didn't care.

She needed to talk to him.

Now.

His voice was groggy when he answered with her name, and for just a moment, Kate felt bad. Obviously she'd woken him up, and the last thing he needed to be doing at MI-6 was fall asleep while researching.

"Hey, Castle," she said quietly, sitting against the headboard, the comforter over her lap. "I'm sorry it's so late."

"No, it's fine. Is everything okay?" Castle asked through a yawn.

Kate took a deep breath. "Yeah. Dad and I just got in. We spent the day being tourists. Times Square, Empire State Building, the works."

"Oh, yeah? How was it? See anything interesting?"

"Um, a couple got engaged at the Empire State Building."

"No kidding? Must be _Sleepless in Seattle_ fans."

Kate rolled her eyes. "Shut up, Castle," she teased, but it fell flat, no emotion behind it.

Castle pressed his phone closer to his ear. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just tired." She barely stifled a yawn.

"Hmm. FaceTime me?"

"Castle, I am in my dad's apartment. My Aunt Theresa has slept in this bed."

It was Castle's turn to roll his eyes. "Not for _that,_ Kate. We can do _that_ in person in a few days, but not in that bed. Ew. I just want to see you. I miss you."

Kate hung up but they were FaceTiming in a matter of moments, and she felt herself relax. He looked tired, his blue eyes missing their usual sparkle, but his face noticeably brightened when he saw her. "Hey," she said with a smile.

"Hey," he returned with one of his own. His eyes searched her face for any sign, any clue to what she was thinking. She didn't just sound tired; she looked it, too. "What's wrong?"

Kate shook her head. "Nothing. I told you, I'm tired. It's been a long day."

"Kate."

She sighed and gave up. "I miss you, that's all. I saw that couple, and it was at sunset, and they looked so happy…and it made me think of you." She swiped at the tears that had begun to fall. "I'm sorry. We should have this conversation in person."

"We're having it now. God, I miss you, Kate. I miss having you here. I miss sleeping with you."

" _Castle_."

"Actual sleeping, Kate. But that too," he added, wiggling his eyebrows to make her smile. "I'll be there this weekend. That'll help. Until then, just imagine that I'm there with you, holding you while we fall asleep. Because that is exactly what I'm going to do when I'm there. Among other things, of course."

Kate scoffed, but she still smiled. She already planned on relocating to the loft for the few days Castle would be home, and she knew that whatever conversation he'd been holding in would surface at some point. But in the meantime, he knew exactly what to say to make her feel better.

"Thanks, Castle," she said quietly, kissing her fingertips and brushing them over the screen, smiling when he pretended to grab the kiss and wipe it all over his face. "Really, babe?"

Castle grinned. "I like when you call me babe," he confessed. "I can't wait to hear it in person again."

"I can't wait to say it in person." Kate winced when she saw him yawn. "Go back to sleep, Castle. I'll talk to you later."

"I'll hold you to that." He laid back down and set the phone down. "I love you, Kate," he muttered as he drifted back off to sleep.

"I love you too." Kate waited to end the call until she heard his light snoring, and even then, did so reluctantly. Three days. He'd be back in the city in three days. She could do this.


	12. Chapter 11

**CHAPTER 11**

* * *

"I missed that."

Castle chuckled into his girlfriend's shoulder as she lay boneless beneath him, her words muffled by the pillow. "What, this?" He rolled his hips, grinning even wider at the tired groan that drew from her. "Or this?" He snuck his fingers under her hips, not surprised when Kate stopped them from reaching their destination.

"I can't, Castle," she mumbled. "Shit, I haven't…it's been…I need a break. And maybe a six course meal."

Castle pressed a kiss to the top of her spine before rolling off her, drawing groans out of both of them at the movement. "One course for each time you—"

"Castle." Kate managed to turn her head so she could glare at him, or as much of a glare as she could manage. "I think I might die."

"I don't think that's possible."

"Pretty sure it might be. Death by orgasm. Look it up."

"Kate," Castle stopped her, suddenly serious. "Can we not joke about you dying?"

Kate studied him for a moment, then nodded and shifted so she was curled into his side. "Yeah, of course. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, I know you didn't mean anything by it." He kissed the top of her head. "It's just a little too close."

"'kay. Love you." She drifted off.

Castle tightened his grip around her shoulders. "Love you too."

* * *

The bed was empty when Kate woke, and she looked around in confusion for a moment before she realized the clicking she heard was coming from Castle's office. She crawled out of bed, swiping his t-shirt from the floor, and glanced at the clock as she made her way to him. It was the middle of the night, and Kate felt her stomach rumble; they'd come to the loft directly from the airport, not even caring about food, just each other.

Not that she was complaining, of course. The mere days she'd been away from Castle had felt like a lifetime, and for the first time she was almost glad she'd had to disappear before they'd gotten together. Because she didn't think the old "better to have loved and lost" adage applied when it came to Castle in bed.

She padded into the office to find the subject of her thoughts hunched over his keyboard, typing furiously. He apparently didn't even hear her come in, because when she pressed her hands to his shoulders he jumped.

"Sorry," she said quietly, leaning forward to hug him from behind. "Didn't mean to scare you."

Castle tilted his head to meet her lips with his. "You didn't. Just got caught up is all." He shut his laptop and turned so he could pull her to straddle his lap. "You're very inspiring."

Kate glanced at the closed computer, curious, her teeth worrying her bottom lip. "What are you writing? Don't tell me I'm an inspiration for Bond."

"Nope." His hand gripped her waist, keeping her still when she reflexively rocked her hips. "Shit, Kate. No, I had an idea for Nikki Heat that I couldn't ignore."

Kate pulled back to study his face, looking for any sign that he was kidding, but he was dead serious. "Really? But you sent her and Rook off into the sunset at the end of the last one."

Castle shrugged. "And now they're coming back. Drawn to the city. I'm not sure how, yet, but I realized on the plane that I wasn't done with her." He snuck his hand down and pinched Kate's butt, drawing a yelp, and he laughed. "Much like I'm not done with you," he leered, turning his chair back around and nudging her to lean back against his desk.

Kate pushed the laptop aside and threaded her fingers through Castle's hair as he trailed his lips down her body. "Castle, if you – oh God – if I see anything from the bedroom in that book I will castrate you," she warned, barely keeping her voice straight.

Castle chuckled against her skin. "Just the bedroom?"

"You know what I mean."

"Even that thing you do with your—"

"Castle!" Kate pushed him back with a foot to his shoulder. "I'm serious. That is one line not to cross. Our sex life will _not_ appear on _any_ pages of your books. Got it?"

Castle leaned up to kiss her tenderly, pulling back after a minute to look directly in her eyes. "Got it."

* * *

"Castle?"

"Hmm?"

"Is everything okay?"

Castle looked over his iPad and squinted to the other end of the couch, where she was reclined against the arm. "Yeah, of course. Everything's great."

Kate shot him a look. "Well yeah, everything's fantastic right now. But you were acting weird the day I left London, before you even took me to the airport. And now, when we're not otherwise preoccupied, you're quiet and withdrawn. Did I do something wrong? Did I say something to make you mad?"

"Kate, I'm not acting—"

"You know what I'm talking about, Rick. Did I – should I not have come to you? Did I come back at a bad time?" Kate took a deep breath, finally vocalizing the one thing that had been gnawing at her. "Did you…was there someone else that me coming back…"

"What? God, Kate. No. No way." Castle set his tablet on the coffee table and tugged on her arms until she was directly in front of him. "There's no one else, Kate. I love you. I've always loved you and I always will. That wouldn't change, whether you were here or not."

"But you'd moved on. It's okay, Castle," Kate continued when he opened his mouth, to interrupt. "It had been almost a year. It's totally fine."

"Where is this coming from?"

Kate sighed. "A talk I had with my dad. I mean, here I've been gone for months. Not just gone. Dead. And you guys have grieved, and mourned, and moved on, and all of a sudden here I am again."

"Kate." Castle took her hands. "Look, I'm not gonna lie, I had a really hard time with it. I tried locking myself at the Old Haunt, then retreating to the Hamptons. Without your dad's help, I could see myself going down the same path he had before. Was I starting to heal? Yeah. Does it hurt that I thought you were dead? Yeah, of course. It will hurt for a long time, knowing that we could have had more time." He cupped her cheeks, tilting her head up so she was looking into his eyes. "But I wasn't over you. Not by a long shot."

"I just…God, I should have tried. I should have fought harder to stay. We could have figured it out."

"Kate—"

"If I'd felt there was any other choice, I would have stayed. I would have contacted you if I could. But I knew you'd try to find me if you thought I was alive, and I couldn't put you in that danger, or your mother or Alexis. Me being dead was the best bad option for keeping Bracken away."

"I know, Kate." Castle pulled her to his side. "I'm just glad you were able to come back. The way I see it, if Bracken hadn't been killed, you could have been gone for the rest of our lives."

Kate snuggled closer and brushed a kiss to his jaw. "Thank you," she said quietly after a few minutes. "When is everyone coming over?"

"A couple hours," Castle answered, craning his neck so he could see the clock. He'd invited Ryan, Esposito, Lanie, and even Gates over for dinner that night. They didn't know about Kate; she had decided that she wanted to tell them all in person at the same time. So she was going to hide in Castle's bedroom until everyone was there, and surprise them.

And oh, what a surprise it would be.

Castle shifted so Kate was on top of him, and he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Are you sure you want to do it this way?" he asked quietly, his features soft.

Kate smiled as she propped herself up, her elbows bracketing his head. She leaned down to dust a kiss to his lips. "I'm sure. A couple hours, right?"

"Mm-hmm." Castle hand cupped the back of her neck and lightly tugged her down to him. "Just enough time to do a little bit of this."

* * *

"Before we eat," Castle said once everyone had arrived, "I wanted to say something. I know the last year has been hard, for everyone. And nothing can ever make up for what we've all been through: the pain, and the healing we've done."

He glanced around the living room, at the friends – family, really – that had suffered and grieved alongside him. "But, well, I have a surprise. _We_ have a surprise." He watched as the confusion on their faces morphed into shock when Kate walked out from the bedroom behind him.

Lanie was first to speak. "Kate?" She approached Kate slowly, and reached out to take her hands. "Oh my God, I can't believe it!"

Kate laughed as Lanie pulled her into a hug, and that seemed to break the silence that had overtaken the room. Within moments she was surrounded, even Gates hugging her, and the loft filled with exclamations and Kate giving the bare-bones version of the past 11 months.

Castle stood to the side and observed, perfectly content with letting Kate reconnect with her friends.

"Yo, you knew she was back and didn't say anything?" Espo chided him, a smile in his voice.

Castle shrugged. "She flew all the way to London and showed up at my door. I wasn't about to turn her away." He took a long drink of his champagne. "We talked a lot about this, about how she wanted to tell everyone. She called her dad, but she wanted to do it this way with the rest of you."

Esposito clapped Castle on the shoulder. "I'm just glad she's alive, bro."

"Yeah, me too."

By the time they sat down to eat, Castle had to reheat the food. A few minutes into dinner, after Kate's surprise of, well, herself, she in turn surprised Castle with a question to Gates.

"So, do you think there's any chance of me getting my job back?"

Castle's head shot up at the question. Kate hadn't said anything about going back to the NYPD; they hadn't talked about what she'd do after this trip, really. He'd assumed that she would come back to London with him, and it hadn't crossed his mind that she'd want to stay.

Gates chuckled. "I'll have to check, I don't know what the procedures are for reinstating someone who was declared dead. When do you want to come back?" She nodded towards Castle. "Because no one would fault you for going back to London."

Kate flushed. "It just came to me tonight, actually. Seeing all of you, it's made me realize how much I miss my job. How much I miss working, solving cases with you guys." She looked around at her friends. "I haven't really thought about when I want to come back. I just know that I do."

* * *

"When do you think you'll go back to work?" Castle finally asked the next morning as they were having breakfast. Lanie and Esposito had stayed long after the rest left the previous night, so by the time they'd finished cleaning up, both of them had been almost asleep on her feet. So, despite itching to talk to Kate about her comments to Gates, Castle didn't say anything before they went to bed.

Kate glanced at him over her coffee mug. "Whenever I can, I guess. I'll have to recertify, if not go through some sort of orientation. Hell, I might have to go back to the Academy. I have no idea." She shrugged. "I had to pass the psych eval and recertify my weapons training after my shooting. There's no reason I wouldn't have to do at least that."

"Oh. So it could be at least a few weeks?"

"Yeah, I'm sure." Kate set her mug down and leaned forward on. "What's wrong?"

Castle turned away from her to refill his coffee. "Nothing," he lied, hoping his voice didn't betray his disappointment. "Nothing's wrong."

"Like hell," Kate replied, walking around the island to stand next to him. "What is it, Rick?"

Castle sighed. "It's just…what you said, it was kind of out of the blue. You didn't even say anything to me first."

"It just came out. Like I said last night, I hadn't really thought of it until I said it." Kate slid between Castle and the counter to look up at him. "Why are you upset about this?"

"I'm not—"

"Come on, Rick." Kate squeezed his hand, pausing until he met her eyes. "Hey. Look, if I hurt you, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel like I'm shutting you out, because I'm not. I love you, and I want to be with you. I miss you when I'm not with you. But I also can't just spend my days sitting around and sightseeing. It's not me."

Castle locked his arms around her waist. "I know, and I love that about you. I guess I figured you'd stay with me while I finished up in London. I only have a couple months left, and then I'll be back here." He leaned down and brushed a kiss against her mouth. "I want to spend every moment with you that I can."

Kate kissed him again, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling herself up so their bodies were flush against each other. "Me too," she agreed when she pulled back, panting slightly. "I have no idea when I might be able to go back to work. So how about we stick with the current plan of me coming back with you, but we leave it open-ended depending on what Gates finds out."

Castle smiled and pressed her against the counter. "Deal."


	13. Chapter 12

**CHAPTER 12  
**

* * *

Castle was nervous, more nervous than he'd been in a long time. He wiped his sweaty palms on his pants, mentally chastising himself.

 _It's been six weeks, genius. That's it. You've talked every day. There's no reason to be this nervous._

But he was.

After just a week and a half more in London, Kate had moved back to New York to do her recertification and psych evaluations for her return to the NYPD. She was going to be on patrol for most of the summer and have to retake the Detective's exam after Labor Day, but everyone was confident that she'd pass. And, judging by their daily conversations, she couldn't wait to have her desk back.

Despite their constant communication, though, Castle was a little nervous about seeing her again, so much so that he almost didn't notice the elevator stop at her floor. He stepped out just before the doors closed, though, and knocked on her door with newfound enthusiasm.

Kate opened it almost immediately, the grin on her face wider than he'd ever seen, and grabbed his shirt and pulled him inside.

Castle grunted when she pushed him against the door, closing it behind him, and surged into him. His hands found her hips immediately, thumbs curling under her waistband, while hers worked frantically at his shirt.

"Kate," he gasped when she pulled back for a breath. "Bedroom?"

Kate shook her head, her teeth grazing his collarbone. "No," she breathed, her voice low with what he could only describe as pure, unadulterated desire. "Need you. Now."

"Holy shit," Castle gasped just a few minutes later from the floor, Kate sprawled on top of him.

Kate chuckled against his neck. "I missed you too," she teased, her lips brushing the underside of his jaw. "FaceTime is not an acceptable substitute."

"Agreed." He nudged her off of him and followed her up, groaning when his back popped. "Can we relocate to your bed?"

Kate laced their fingers together and led him through her living room. "Absolutely. You want a tour?" They'd briefly discussed Kate moving into the loft, but once it was apparent she'd be moving back much sooner than Castle, she'd decided to get her own space.

He glanced around, noting that what little furniture she'd acquired was similar to what was in her old apartment. It was still pretty sparse, but was beginning to look like she actually lived there. "You know I have most of your books, right? They're at my place."

She looked up at him with a smile. "Yeah, I know. I wanted to wait until you were home before I rifled through your stuff."

Castle winked. "You've already seen my stuff, Kate," he teased as they crossed into her bedroom. He tugged at the hem of her shirt. "Can you take this off now?"

* * *

"Kate?" Castle called out as he stepped into the apartment, dropping her keys back into the bowl he'd swiped them from. He hadn't wanted to leave her door unlocked while she was sleeping, but he needed to run back home and grab a change of clothes, so he didn't think she'd mind. He set his small duffel bag down and detoured through the kitchen to start her coffee pot.

He turned when he heard the soft pad of footsteps, smiling when he saw Kate, hair mussed and wearing—

"Is that my shirt?"

Kate blushed and glanced down at the Captain America t-shirt she'd pulled on. "Yeah, I stole it before I left London. I, um…I sleep better in your shirts."

Castle flipped on the coffee pot and grabbed Kate's hand, lacing their fingers together. "I thought you slept better without anything on," he muttered before stealing a kiss.

"Funny. What I meant was, I sleep better in your shirts when I'm not with you." She sidled into his side, a sigh escaping when he pulled her close. "What's in the bag?"

Castle glanced down at her; oh, she was eyeing the grocery bag he'd set down. "I wanted to make you breakfast, but your fridge is shockingly empty. So I stopped for some groceries on the way back."

"Hmm, okay." She pulled away when the coffee pot chimed, and retrieved the cream and vanilla syrup so he could stir them in. "Thanks, babe," she said after a long sip.

Castle grinned over his mug. "I love when you call me babe," he confessed.

"Oh, yeah?" Kate nudged his hip with hers, pushing him towards the bedroom. "I have something else I think you'll love too."

"Ooh."

"Not that, Castle. Well, not yet. I have something to give you first." She stopped in front of her dresser and gave her a sly look. "Open it," she instructed, tapping her knuckles against one of the top drawers.

Castle grinned and set his mug down before opening the specified drawer. He wasn't sure what to expect; it wasn't his birthday, or a holiday, or any kind of anniversary. But he looked inside anyway, and went from curious to confused.

With the exception of a small envelope, the drawer was empty.

He glanced up at her, brow furrowed. "Kate, what—"

Kate handed him the envelope. "Open it."

He pried open the flap and tilted it; a key fell into his open palm. He looked back up to see her watching him, bottom lip drawn between her teeth. "Kate—is this—"

She nodded. "I know we haven't really been together that long— _together_ together—and I don't think we should move in together yet. But I want you to be able to come and go as you please. You belong here as much as I do."

Castle just stared for a moment before sweeping her into his arms. "Kate," he breathed, his mouth finding hers.

Kate chuckled and pulled back after a few intoxicating kisses. "Castle, wait. Castle." She swatted his hand rom her ass before he could tug her hips into his. "Babe. There's something else."

Castle looked back down at the drawer, the fog of arousal lifted by boyish excitement. "Really? In the drawer?" He patted around the empty drawer; maybe it was in the back, or stuck, or maybe there was a false bottom…

"It _is_ the drawer."

It took a few moments for her words to register, but when they did, he froze briefly before turning to her. "Kate…"

She smiled up at him, wide and bright, and reached up to touch his collar. "It's your drawer. A place you can put your stuff. Some extra clothes, whatever you want. It's yours."

Castle just stared, speechless, his eyes following her hands when they played with the top button of his shirt.

"Now," Kate started, abandoning his shirt to tug at the hem of hers, "take off your clothes, put them in your drawer…" She pulled the shirt over her head, leaving her bare for him as she turned, "and meet me in the bed."

* * *

 **TEN MONTHS LATER**

"Castle, I'm home!" Kate called out, shutting the door behind her. She started unbuttoning her coat, brow furrowing at the silence that greeted her. "Rick? Are you here?" She felt her phone buzz with an incoming message.

 _Come to the roof._

Kate grinned and tightened her scarf. By the time she stepped through the door that led to the roof, she was bundled up again; it was a cold night, so Castle must have something special planned.

She let out a gasp when she saw the set-up, and her boyfriend with his back to her. He'd strung up Christmas lights, and when Castle turned towards her, she saw the table set, plates full of food.

Castle turned and smiled, reaching a hand up to caress her jaw after taking the few steps to her. "Hi," he said softly, leaning down for a kiss.

Kate wrapped her arms around his waist. "Hi," she whispered against his mouth when they parted. "What's all this?"

"Well, it's our anniversary. Come on, the food's getting cold."

They ate quickly in the cool evening air, the pasta that Castle claimed he'd "slaved over" setting well in her empty stomach. She'd had a very long day; an early morning body drop had forced her to leave before the sun was even up, while Castle was fast asleep. Her lunch had been a hastily eaten slice of pizza several hours before, and as an interrogation ticked past seven o'clock she'd almost given up hope on them sharing an anniversary dinner at a reasonable hour.

She'd underestimated her boyfriend's penchant for big, romantic gestures.

He stood as soon as she emptied her wine glass and extended his hand. "Dance with me."

Kate let him pull her up, and smiled into his coat as she settled into his chest. The quiet jazz provided the soundtrack as they swayed to their own beat. Kate let her eyes close on a sigh. This was heaven.

"Kate?"

Castle's quiet voice cut through the haze of her contentment, and she leaned back far enough so she could gaze up at him. "Yeah?"

Castle's throat bobbed with a swallow. "I have something for you."

"Oh, Rick, this is more than enough," Kate insisted, shaking her head.

He interrupted before she could continue. "No, it's not." He took a small step back so he could take her gloved hands in his. "Three hundred sixty-six days ago, I was lost. I was just going through my days on autopilot, still putting the pieces back together. Then there was a knock on my door, and my whole life changed. Well, again."

Kate gasped when he bent down on one knee, letting go of her hand to slip his into his pocket. She just stared, her vision blurry through tears. "Rick…" she breathed.

"Shh, I'm not done," Castle said through a chuckle. "I know what it's like to live without you, and I don't want to do that again. I can't. And I know we haven't talked about it, specifically, but I don't want to wait anymore." He withdrew his hand from his pocket, a ring between two fingers. "So, Katherine Beckett, will you marry me?"

"Yes. Oh my God, yes," Kate cried out, tugging him back to his feet and into her arms. She kissed him with fervor, gloved fingers clumsy as they gripped his hair. By the time they parted on a laugh they were breathless, faces split with twin grins. She closed her eyes and nudged her nose against his before giving him a light peck. "So, is that ring just for show?" she teased.

"Oh!" Castle chuckled, a low rumble in his chest that reverberated through them both. He helped her tug off her glove, and they stared at their joined hands when he slid the ring on.

Kate blinked through her tears, felt them escape down her cheeks, but she didn't care. Castle proposed. The love of her life wanted to spend the rest of _his_ life with _her._

She was getting _married._

 _Holy shit._

"Do you like it?"

Castle's voice surprised her; he sounded nervous, a little timid. She raised her head to meet his eyes and saw the line in his brow—oh, he _was_ nervous.

"Like what? The ring?" She took his right hand in her left and brought them up to place a soft kiss on his knuckles. "It's perfect."

Castle pulled her back into his chest, their clasped hands trapped between their bodies. "Hell of a year," he murmured, resting his cheek on the top of her head.

Kate barked out a laugh. "Yeah? Hell of a _couple_ years." She squeezed his hand. "I love you, Rick."

"I love you too. Always."

She pulled back so she could pull him down for a kiss, both of them moaning when she deepened it. They stood for several minutes, kissing until they had to part for breath. Even then, they let their foreheads rest against each other, breath mingling in the cold night air.

"This is perfect," Kate whispered with a smile.

Castle returned her smile with a wide one. "Good." He took a step back and tugged her towards the stairs to go back inside. "Now, the celebrating I have in mind involves a lot less clothes. Come, fiancée."

Kate pulled herself into his side. "Mmm, fiancée. I like the sound of that."

"You know what will sound even better?"

"What?"

Castle paused at their door. "Husband and wife."

Kate yelped when he picked her up and took her into the bedroom. She slid her gloves off, giving her fingers better access to the fine hairs at the nape of his neck, and kissed him deeply before sliding out of his arms.

"I can't wait."

 **-FIN-**

* * *

 _A/N: Thank you all for your support of this story! I enjoyed writing it (yes, even the sad parts, I saw them as a challenge) and sharing it with you. Thank you again!  
_


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